On Parody's Tides
by Agent047
Summary: My parody of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.
1. Pessimism and Page 47

****Author's Welcome: Hello again! Here is the fourth installment of my POTC parody series! This is a sequel to _Parody of the Black Pearl,_ _Dead Man's Parody,_ and _At Parody's End_. The running gags still continue, and this is, as always, co-written by my brother. So, at long last, I present _On Parody's Tides!_****

* * *

><p><strong>Pessimism and Page 47<strong>

_Two fisherman are in a fishing boat. The Captain is Captain Juan Jones, and he is in command of the boat and its one crew member, Fisherman Jeff. Juan always wanted to be a captain, and after he failed out of the Spanish Naval Academy, this was the best he could do._

_They've got some nets in the water, but judging from the size of the boat, they don't expect to catch much. In fact, the name on the side of the boat is the "Pessimist," but they pull up a net anyway. It's really heavy._

Fisherman Jeff: Stupid fat fish.

_The net plops down on the bottom of the boat and the fishermen examine their catch. It's lame._

Captain Juan Jones: We've got a guppy, three krill, and a dead seagull. I hate my life.

Fisherman Jeff: And a large mysterious seaweed-covered, man-shaped lump.

_The mystery lump turns out to be a seaweed-covered man. Juan and Jeff figure the man is dead, and that it's safe to roll him over and try to steal his book._

_It's not. Seaweed Man wakes up, quite suddenly._

Seaweed Man: Hey, excuse you. That's my diary, thank you very much, and it's not for your eyes.

_Captain Juan Jones and Fisherman Jeff faint out of fright._

Seaweed Man: Not particularly gracious hosts. Try to read my diary and then make me row myself back to shore. Jerks. Who the heck names a boat the "Pessimist" anyway?

_A black carriage, pulled by some ferocious-looking horses, goes careening through a theatrically ominous forest, and then through some intimidating cast-iron gates. Next we see Captain Juan Jones and his sidekick Fisherman Jeff dragging a body bag across some fancy marble floors. They are met by King Ferdinand and his crony, Gonzalez._

King Ferdinand: This better be good. I shot my favorite messenger when he woke me up at 3 in the morning to tell me two random fisherman wanted to show me a dead guy.

Captain Juan Jones: Well, your messenger lied, because this guy isn't dead.

Fisherman Jeff: And we're not random!

Captain Juan Jones: But the important thing is, this guy isn't dead. I'm Juan Jones, Captain of the -

King Ferdinand: Wait, Jones? As in Davy Jones?

Captain Juan Jones: *sigh* It's a distant relation, okay? He was like my grandpa's fifth-cousin's half brother. Anyway. We've got a live one.

_Juan unzips the body bag. Sure enough, Seaweed Man is still alive and kickin'. (Figuratively.)_

Captain Juan Jones: We broke our best fishing net dragging him out of the ocean.

Fisherman Jeff: Our only fishing net, actually.

Captain Juan Jones: It's not our only fishing net. We still have the one we got in Bermuda last year.

Fisherman Jeff: Yeah, okay, if you can call that a fishing net.

Captain Juan Jones: Well, what would you call it?

Fisherman Jeff: An enormous doily with holes in it. That thing's not going to catch any fish.

Captain Juan Jones: We don't catch any fish anyway! Just half-drowned rambling lunatics covered in seaweed!

Fisherman Jeff: And krill. Don't forget the krill.

Captain Juan Jones: Anyway, we can't get this guy to shut up. Apparently, he was king of Switzerland for twelve years.

Gonzalez: I didn't know Switzerland was a monarchy.

Captain Juan Jones: It's not. That's why he got kicked out.

Fisherman Jeff: And that's when he found the -

King Ferdinand: Silence, annoying peasants.

_Ferdinand takes the book from Seaweed Man._

Seaweed Man: Hey, that's my diary!

King Ferdinand: I'm the King, and I'm commandeering it.

Seaweed Man: You can't commandeer a diary!

King Ferdinand: I just did, so there. Tell me a page number, or I'm reading the whole thing.

Seaweed Man: *sigh* Page 37.

_King Ferdinand flips to page 37 of the diary and reads aloud._

King Ferdinand: "I saw a bird today. It was cloudy in the morning but then the sun came out in the afternoon, right after lunch. I remember because Tamuel drank five pitchers of lemonade at lunch and then he…" When is this going to get interesting?

Seaweed Man: Oh, sorry, I think I meant page 47.

_King Ferdinand is exasperated but he goes to page 47 and finds the Fountain of Youth logo._

Captain Juan Jones: I think he was looking for Ponce de Leon's ship.

Fisherman Jeff: No, he sailed on it. After he got kicked out of Switzerland, remember?

Captain Juan Jones: He couldn't have sailed on Ponce de Leon's ship 200 years ago and still be alive.

Fisherman Jeff: Well, he was underwater and is still alive!

King Ferdinand: That's what happens when you find the Fountain of Youth. Dude, we are so going to find it. Gonzalez, how soon can you sail?

Gonzalez: (dramatically) With the tides.

_Pause._

King Ferdinand: Right, so, when's the next tide?

Gonzalez: High tide or low tide?

King Ferdinand: Uh… whichever one you're planning to sail with…

_Pause._

Gonzalez: Actually, my tide chart's still in my pillow case, I'd have to go look and get back to you.

King Ferdinand: Never mind.

_Pause._

King Ferdinand: Why is your tide chart - ?

Gonzalez: Never mind.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, I caved. Here's the beginning of my OST parody. I'm thinking of doing Sunday night updates for this. Stay tuned for more fantasticness!<strong>


	2. Everybody Wants to be Jack Sparrow

**Everybody Wants to be Jack Sparrow**

_A giant sign reads "Welcome to London!" in big enthusiastic lettering. It seems like literally every single person in the city is out in the streets going nuts. A man is holding a sign that says "PIRATE EXECUTION YESTERDAY," which makes everybody confused._

Confused Person: I think you meant to say "today" on your sign.

Sign Man: Nope. Yesterday. There's going to be a pirate execution yesterday.

Confused Person: You mean, pirates are being executed this afternoon.

Sign Man: Well, yeah, if you want to be specific.

Confused Person: That's today. Not yesterday.

_Now the sign man is confused._

_A desperate vendor guy is selling wooden pirate swords, and three kids are fighting each other with the swords their rich parents bought them to stave off embarrassing temper tantrums in public._

Little Timmy: I get to be Jack Sparrow!

Rupert, Jr.: How come you get to be Jack Sparrow?

Little Timmy: Because I called it first. You can be Norrington, and Sally can be Will.

Rupert, Jr.: I don't want to be Norrington!

Sally: Why do I have to be Will?

Little Timmy: Because you're a girl.

Sally: Why can't I be Elizabeth?

Little Timmy: *exasperated sigh* Because that's not how it happened, okay? Unless you'd rather stand there and let us fight over you.

Rupert, Jr.: Well, then you have to be Will.

Little Timmy: What? Why?

Rupert, Jr.: Because I'm Norrington. It won't make any sense if Norrington and Jack Sparrow are fighting over Elizabeth!

_Unfortunately, way too many people think it would make perfect sense. Sorry, Sparrabethers._

Little Timmy: No! I want to be Jack Sparrow!

_Timmy and Rupert start fighting each other, as each other._

Sally: Boys are stupid.

_Inside the jail, a jailer leads a pirate out of his cell. At least, we assume he's a pirate. There's a hood over his head so it's really hard to be absolutely certain. In all fairness, we can't even necessarily assume the hooded person is even a "he."_

Jailer: Come on, Mister Pirate. Or should I say, Captain Pirate?

_Apparently the jailer has no qualms about making such assumptions._

_The jailer brings the alleged male pirate into a courtroom, which is packed with even more people who are going even more nuts than the people outside. The bailiff, Oswaldo, rings a gong to get everyone's attention, and the room goes silent._

Bailiff Oswaldo: Sorry about that, couldn't find my gavel. Anyway, we're here to finally convict Jack Sparrow of piracy.

Lawyer: Objection! You can't speculate about the conviction!

Bailiff Oswaldo: And you can't object because there's no judge here yet.

_The jailer removes the hood from the person, revealing that the person underneath the hood is, in fact, both male and a pirate. It is not, however, Jack Sparrow. Close, though. It's Gibbs._

Gibbs: Pretty sure I'd have a sparrow tattoo and a pirate brand if I were Jack Sparrow. The name's Joshamee Gibbs.

Bailiff Oswaldo: Joshamee? That's another crime all of its own, punishable by public ridicule.

Gibbs: Gee, thanks.

Bailiff Oswaldo: Just sayin'. Anyway, presiding over this mess is the honorable Justice Smith.

_Jack enters through a large set of double doors, dressed as a judge in a black robe, a ridiculous wig, and some spectacles._

Lawyer: I was hoping he would wear the propeller beanie.

Bailiff Oswaldo: You're not Judge Smith…

Jack: And you're not Ghandi. Any more questions?

Gibbs: Jack?

_The jailer breaks a chair over Gibbs' head. All the spectators approve._

Jack: Okay, we're not going to do that again. What were you saying, prisoner?

Lawyer: You don't have to answer that.

Gibbs: Who are you?

Lawyer: Oh, sorry, I'm Counselor Themis Shrubsole, your court-appointed lawyer.

Gibbs: And I thought my name was unfortunate.

Lawyer: For your information, Themis is the Greek goddess of justice.

Jack: Key word being "goddess."

_The entire courtroom laughs at the lawyer. The lawyer pouts._

Gibbs: I'd just like to reiterate that Jack Sparrow isn't my name.

_Jack frowns at the paper on the desk in front of him._

Jack: That's not what this says.

Bailiff Oswaldo: That's your appointment schedule for the afternoon, so, no, it probably wouldn't.

Jack: Oh.

Gibbs: I'd be happy to identify the real Jack Sparrow to all these powerful people if it would help me.

Jack: It wouldn't, know what I mean?

Lawyer: I advise my client to take the deal!

_Pause._

Bailiff Oswaldo: What deal?

Jack: Pretty sure I didn't offer a deal.

Lawyer: But –

Jack: Tell you what. I'll make you a deal, Counselor. You promise to not talk, and I won't put rabid jellyfish in your bathtub, kapeish?

Gibbs: That threat is actually kinda creepy.

Jack: Well I'm a judge so I can get a warrant for stuff like that.

Lawyer: No, actually, I'm pretty sure you can't.

Jack: What did I just tell you about talking?

Lawyer: To not to…

Bailiff Oswaldo: Can we please just get on with things? I've got lunch plans with the stenographer.

Jack: Okay, so now that we know more about the bailiff's personal life than we ever wanted to, let's hear a finding, Foreman.

Foreman: Aren't we supposed to, you know, have a trial first?

Jack: Let's not and say we did.

Foreman: Uh, sure.

Jack: The prisoner claims to deny the aforementioned claims which claim he is Jack Sparrow, thereby, in effect, and quite literally pleading himself not guilty of not being Jack Sparrow. How do you find?

_The foreman thinks really hard and consults the rest of the jury. Five minutes later, he has a decision._

Foreman: Not innocent.

_The crowd goes berserk._

Gibbs: That's not even a real finding!

_Jack bangs two gavels together._

Bailiff Oswaldo: That's where my gavel went…

Jack: Silence!

Lawyer: Objection!

Jack: What now, Themis?

Lawyer: I object to that finding on the grounds that it's not fair!

Jack: And I object to you on the grounds that you're dumb. Any more questions?

Lawyer: Yeah. Why is it that English is the only European language that has gender-neutral nouns?

_The crickets would be chirping right now, but they died from the awkward._

Jack: Anyway, this prisoner is not innocent of being not guilty of not being Jack Sparrow. On the charge of being named Joshamee, well, I'd say that the fact that he isn't Jack Sparrow is punishment enough. But, since he's wasted all our time, he's gotta serve some. Kapeish?

_Jack makes a hasty exit._

Bailiff Oswaldo: Looks like you're going to the tower of London, Mr. Not-Jack-Sparrow.

Gibbs: Oh. Yay.

_Jack runs down a hallway, removing the judge clothes as he does. He opens a door, presumably to where he tied up the real judge so he can return the clothes, but it's just a broom closet._

Jack: Must be the next one.

_Jack opens the next door. It's the ladies' room._

Jack: Sorry, madam. Wrong door.

_Finally Jack finds the right door and, sure enough, the judge is duct taped to a chair. Jack puts the wig on the guy's head and drapes the robe over him and puts a gavel in his hand._

Judge: This isn't my gavel.

Jack: Nope, it's the bailiff's. I'm keeping yours. Thanks a million!

_Jack runs off and goes outside. He looks around for a minute, then finally locates a horse that is wearing his hat._

Jack: Weren't you over there when I left you?

Horse: Yeah, I'm a horse. We move.

Jack: Well, stop it. And give me my hat.

_Jack steals his hat back, winks at the carriage driver, then gets in line to be chucked in the back of the carriage with Gibbs. The carriage starts to move. Actually, the carriage itself doesn't move. The horse moves, because horses do that, and pulls the carriage with it._

Gibbs: You do realize this carriage is taking us to prison, right?

Jack: You do realize I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, right?

Gibbs: Yes, I was prepared to swear to that in court, remember?

Jack: Oh, yeah.

Gibbs: I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Jack: Being Captain Jack Sparrow, I'm too awesome to let us get arrested. The driver owes me a favor, so he's taking us to the start of our escape route instead.

Gibbs: Why does he owe you a favor?

Jack: Because I gave him five dollars like an hour ago.

Gibbs: You paid him five dollars to help us escape? Wow. Awesome plan.

Jack: It was all I could find in the parking lot. And yes, my plan is awesome, seeing as it saved your butt. What happened to you? I thought you were employed or engaged or something.

Gibbs: I was. But then she broke it off and I quit my job. Then I heard Jack Sparrow was in London with a ship and looking for a crew.

Jack: Lies.

Gibbs: Rumors, actually. Apparently you're going to be recruiting at pub called the Captain's Daughter tonight.

Jack: What the heck?

Gibbs: My guess is there's an imposter in town.

Jack: Everybody wants to be me, I guess. Except you.

Gibbs: There's probably a few others.

Jack: I guess we'll never know for sure. But this imposter has a ship, it seems.

Gibbs: And is looking for a crew.

Jack: Well, what do you know, so am I! I have more in common with myself than I thought.

Gibbs: Go figure. Anyway, what ever happened to looking for the Fountain of Youth?

Jack: Nothing.

Gibbs: Nothing?

Jack: Well, if I had found it before now, I wouldn't get to be in this movie, would I?

Gibbs: Your logic makes my head hurt. Do you have any aspirin?

Jack: We're starting that again already?

_The carriage stops._

Jack: We're here!

_Jack and Gibbs hop enthusiastically out of the carriage, and see about sixty-eight gazillion guards pointing weapons of various sorts at them. One guy even has a catapult._

Gibbs: What was that about your plan being awesome?

Jack: I want my five dollars back.

_An overzealous guard whacks Jack upside the back of the head with the butt of a rifle._

Jack: Gibbs, if you find any aspirin, let me know.

_Two guards drag Jack away. Another throws a gold brick to the driver. The driver tries to catch the brick, but since it's solid gold, it weighs like a million pounds and he drops it on his toe. He pouts._

* * *

><p><strong>I figured Saturday was a better day for updates, so you get this a day early. :) Long chapter this time. Hope you liked it! <strong>


	3. Interrogation Time

**Interrogation Time**

_Two guards drag Jack down a marble hallway by his ankles. Jack is pretending to be dead, and making himself as limp and as difficult to drag as possible. The guards drag Jack into a large room, tie him up in duct tape, and put him in a random chair._

_Once the guards leave, Jack stops playing dead and starts playing "Maybe if I Yank at this Duct Tape Enough it'll Magically Come Off." It doesn't. Then Jack notices that there's a bunch of food on the table in front of him._

Jack: Muffins! My favorite!

_He scoots the chair forward and tries to reach the plate of muffins. He kicks the table in frustration, knocking the plate off. It shatters. A muffin flies up into the air, comes down, bounces off Jack's face, rolls out the door down the stairs, and lands on the king's royal trampoline, which propels it back up past Jack, who watches it fly out the window and bounce off a passing seagull's wing, and that sends it flying up to the chandelier, where it sticks._

_King George walks into the room, flanked by a zillion guards and some high-society men in wigs, the most important of whom being Lord John Cartaret and Prime Minister Henry Pelham. Jack immediately plays dead again._

King George: WHERE ARE MY MUFFINS!

Lord C: What muffins?

King George: My muffins! They were right there, on that expensive crystal plate that's been passed down since William the Conqueror!

Pelham: You mean the guy who conquered England in 1066?

King George: No, Hank, the other William the Conqueror.

Pelham: Don't call me Hank.

_Lord C notices the plate shattered into bits on the floor, and muffins everywhere, but he decides to pretend he didn't see anything._

King George: Wait, why is the prisoner dead?

Lord C: He's not dead. He's just faking. Like a possum.

King George: What on earth is a "possum?"

Pelham: It's country for "opossum."

Lord C: You would know.

King George: Someone make the prisoner stop acting like an opossum.

_A random soldier tickles Jack, making him giggle like a numbskull._

King George: Ha. Told you he wasn't dead.

_Lord C and Pelham look at each other but keep quiet because it'd be treason to contradict the King._

King George: Someone interrogate him.

_Lord C decides to do the honors._

Lord C: You are Jack Sparrow, right?

Jack: Captain, but yeah, you got the gist.

King George: I've heard of you.

Jack: Wanna know what happened to the last guy who'd heard of me?

King George: Huh?

Jack: Never mind. I feel like I've seen you somewhere before… Were you in Harry Potter?

Pelham: You are in the presence of His Royal Excellency, Sir Reverend-Doctor George P. Agustus, Duke-Chancellor of Brunswick-Luneberg, Esquire, Official Archtreasurer and Royal Senior Prince-elector, Jr. of the Holy Roman Empire, Supreme Potentate and King of Great Britain and Ireland, and of you.

_Pause._

Jack: How did you ever learn to write your name in kindergarten?

King George: I hear you're in London to procure a crew for your ship.

Jack: Lies.

King George: So you're not Jack Sparrow?

Jack: Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. You're creating a false dichotomy.

Pelham: Stop making up words.

Jack: …says Hank.

Pelham: Don't call me Hank!

_Pelham gets angry and duct tapes Jack's mouth._

King George: Guys, epic fail. You found some nutcase who isn't Jack Sparrow and makes up words. Get rid of it.

Jack: Lies! I am Jack Sparrow, and I am in London, obviously.

King George: Yeah, that's what I said, you're in London to procure a crew.

Jack: But I'm not in London to procure a crew.

_Jack is hard to understand because of the duct tape._

King George: What? In boredom you punctured an emu?

Jack: You think I'm going to the Fountain of Youth, right?

King George: You're sleeping under the kissing booth tonight?

Jack: What?

King George: I give up. Someone get rid of that duct tape. Whoever invented duct tape is fired.

_A random guard removes the duct tape. Some other random guard hands the King his badge and walks out._

Pelham: We know you have a map.

Lord C: Yes, let's steal it and get rid of the evidence.

King George: Do you have a map?

_Jack searches his pockets but all he finds is half an Oreo, some sunflower petals, and a tiny jar with lightning bugs in it._

Jack: Apparently not.

_Jack sets the lightning bugs free and they start glowing all over the room._

Pelham: Well, where is it?

Jack: Your guess is as good as mine… Hank.

Pelham: Stop calling me Hank! (to King George) Can I shoot him? Please?

_The King gives Pelham a nerf gun. Pelham tries to shoot Jack, but the nerf gun isn't loaded._

King George: Too bad. Apparently nerf darts haven't been invented yet.

_Pelham pouts. Jack gets up and starts looking at all the food, trying to decide what to eat first._

King George: I also hear the Spanish are looking for the Fountain.

Jack: I think we've already proved you can't believe everything you hear.

_Jack licks the frosting off a cupcake, and then eats some bacon._

Lord C: Eew, did you just eat frosting with bacon?

Jack: Yes.

Pelham: And that cupcake is yours, by the way.

King George: While we're at it, do you happen to know what happened to my muffins?

Jack: Yeah, while I was duct taped to that chair I stole your muffins and hid them. Ridiculous heirloom plate and all.

Lord C: That's minus five points for unnecessary sarcasm.

Pelham: But you win them back if you know how to get to the Fountain of Youth.

Jack: Well, I guess we're in luck, then.

_He eats a banana, then throws the banana peel over his shoulder._

Lord C: So you could guide an expedition there?

Jack: Sure. As long as Georgie-porgie lets me borrow a ship and a crew.

King George: Yes to the ship, yes to the crew, and I'll raise you a captain.

Jack: Please don't let it be Turner…

_Jack hides behind a chair because there aren't any leaves in the room. Two guards dramatically open a door and Barbossa enters the room. He's got a peg leg and a crutch. Jack mentally takes back every mean thing he ever said to or about Will._

Barbossa: Did all our shackles magically go missing, or does everyone in this room just have a death wish?

Guard: Oh yeah! I totally could have used shackles!

Jack: Fine thanks, how are you?

Barbossa: Oh, fantastic. I even bought myself this fancy crutch with all the extra cash I've got just because I felt like carrying it around.

Jack: You might wanna get a towel and clean up all the sarcasm you just dripped all over the floor.

Barbossa: I'm a privateer now, Jack, and I've got the wig to prove it.

Jack: It makes you look like a girl. What happened to your leg?

Barbossa: Funny story. I –

Jack: Actually no. First, where's the _Pearl_?

Barbossa: The what?

Jack: The _Black Pearl_. The ship you stole from me, and that I stole back, and that the kraken subsequently ate and which you helped rescue, and then stole again.

Barbossa: Oh, you mean the ship Blackbeard sunk out from under me.

_Jack tries to steal the nerf gun from Pelham to kill Barbossa, but the guards stop him._

King George: No death threats before lunch! Barbossa, you're wasting time. Go find the Fountain before the Spanish do, and I'll knight you.

Barbossa: Sweet! Knighthood!

Jack: Wouldn't it have been easier to just give him speech therapy or something?

Barbossa: Yeah but this will be so much more action-packed.

Jack: You suck.

Barbossa: Your face sucks.

Jack: Your wig sucks!

_Jack breaks away from the guards and points in surprise up at the muffin on the chandelier. They try to shoot the muffin, and chaos ensues. Some unfortunate guards get knocked unconscious, and a really unfortunate guard slips on the banana peel and falls out the window. Lord C and Pelham hide under the table. Jack dives down to the royal trampoline and springs up to the chandelier, swings on the chandelier up to the balcony, swipes the muffin, then runs away._

King George: What just happened?

_Lord C and Pelham pretend they weren't just hiding under the table._

Barbossa: Don't worry, Georgie, I got this. Oh, and I found your muffins.

_He points to the muffins on the floor and the broken glass everywhere._

Barbossa: And someone broke your plate.

* * *

><p><strong>Here's your weekly update! Sorry it wasn't up earlier today... My family came to visit and I was busy until now. :) Hope you enjoyed it!<strong>


	4. Teague's Awesomeness and Identity Theft

**Teague's Legendary Awesomeness and Identity Theft**

_After leaving the palace, Jack performs his trademark epic escape, which includes surfing some carriages, eating a lady's earring, and irritating everybody. He magically ends up right outside the Captain's Daughter. Unfortunately, so does a random soldier._

Random Soldier: I'm so getting promoted for this!

_He's about ready to shoot Jack and make the rest of the movie really lame, but he thinks he sees Keith Richards out of the corner of his eye and faints. Then we all take a moment to bask in Teague's awesomeness._

Jack: Oh, hey, Dad. What are you doing here?

Teague: Some rockstar wannabe is taking forever to restring my guitar, so I thought I'd stop by this pub to pass the time. I would've just waited in the store, but I can only listen to "Smoke on the Water" so many times.

_They go inside the pub, which would be like the high-class version of Tortuga if there were anything high-class about it, and sit down with some drinks. Apparently some time has passed because suddenly it's nighttime._

Teague: I hear you're putting together a crew.

Jack: Yeah I heard that too.

Teague: I also heard you're headed for the Fountain.

Jack: If you hear any more, you'll know more about me than I do.

Teague: I certainly know more about the Fountain than you do.

Jack: Oh, yeah, I forgot you've been there. I still have the postcard you sent me.

Teague: Um, about that. Your mother and I went on a second honeymoon to Bermuda, the Fountain of Youth thing was just a cover up.

Jack: What? Then how did you get the postcard?

Teague: Same place I got you your fake ID.

Jack: What? That ID's fake?

Teague: But I did read up on the Fountain so I could convince you I'd been there, and there are some things you'll need if you want it to work. For the Profane Ritual, you need two chalices –

_Jack picks up two random empty mugs from the next table over._

Jack: Chalices, check.

Teague: Not those chalices. Two silver chalices from Ponce de Leon's ship.

Jack: What for?

Teague: The ritual. Haven't you been paying attention? You need to know these things before you just go sailing off to the Fountain.

Jack: Yeah, sailing, usually works best with a ship. I don't suppose I could borrow –

Teague: No.

_Jack pouts._

Teague: But you can take theirs.

_He points to a group of sailors over across the room. Jack turns to look, and Teague disappears through a trap door._

Jack: Just like him to stick me with the bill.

_Jack goes over to Scrum, the pirate doing the recruiting, and throws him up against the wall while simultaneously hitting a bottle against a table to break it. He shoves the bottle under Scrum's chin to be threatening, but much to his dismay it's still intact. Jack gives the bartender an annoyed/confused look._

Bartender: Sorry, we switched to plastic. It's cheaper, see…

Jack: Well, do you have anything sharp?

_The bartender looks around._

Bartender: Nothing I can lend you. Board of Health and all…

Scrum: Would you like my pocket knife?

Jack: Fine. I'll take it.

_He steals Scrum's pocket knife and looks at it._

Jack: It doesn't even have a blade!

Scrum: Did I say there was? Won't the scissors work?

Jack: I saw this going differently in my head.

_Jack shoves the semi-sharp mini-scissors under Scrum's chin._

Jack: I hear you're putting together a crew.

Scrum: Who, me?

Jack: Yes. You.

Scrum: Don't you mean Jack Sparrow?

Jack: I think I know what I mean.

_Then Scrum gets a good look at Jack and recognizes his get-up._

Scrum: What's up with you? Are you some sort of imposter?

Jack: I don't suppose you know who I am.

Scrum: Don't you?

_The sailors laugh at Jack. Jack makes the face of, "This guy's IQ has got to be less than absolute zero." Another sailor, who we'll call Derrick because the script does, comes out of a doorway._

Derrick: I'm sailing with Sparrow!

Jack: The heck you are.

Random Guy: Yeah, you're on land, moron!

_Jack goes back into the doorway to confront the imposter. And to escape the stupidity._

Jack: Do you have any idea how long you can go to jail for identity theft?

_The two Jack Sparrows pull out their swords to fight, but get caught up in the mirror game instead. Jack finally gets tired of it._

Jack: Enough.

_Insert epic swordfight here. It's dark so it gets hard to tell who's who at some points._

Jack: Wait, which one am I? Am I the real Jack, or are you?

Imposter Jack: Does it matter?

Jack: Not really.

_They fight some more and go up in the rafters. Jack has a mild attack of déjà vu._

_To make a long story short, the imposter Jack does a cool sword move and then the real Jack realizes he knows this other person. It's a female, fortunately, because Jack smooches her._

Jack: Wait, take off the fake beard and we'll try that again.

_Angelica peels off the fake beard and mustache, and Jack tries to dramatically take off her hat with his sword, but it's stuck. Finally he gives up and Angelica just takes the hat off._

Angelica: Still want your smooch?

Jack: No, I think we killed the moment.

Angelica: I almost killed you.

Jack: I was just being polite and letting you win.

Angelica: Whatever.

Jack: Why are you pretending to be me?

Angelica: Because everybody would know I wasn't Barbossa.

Jack: You couldv'e impersonated Will Turner.

Angelica: Who?

Jack: Never mind.

_Jack pulls Angelica's shirt open._

Jack: That's better.

Angelica: Whatever. I've forgiven you, by the way.

Jack: What for?

Angelica: Because it's the decent thing to do.

Jack: No, I mean, what have I ever done that would possibly need forgiving?

_Angelica just starts counting on her fingers._

Jack: Oh.

Angelica: Anyway, my sailors will put up with all sorts of peculiarities as long as they get paid. And since I'm supposed to be you, it'll at least be believable.

Jack: You're a peculiarity. Please tell me you're at least impersonating me as Captain.

Angelica: Duh. I have a ship. That makes me Captain.

Jack: I could use a ship.

Angelica: I hear you're going to the Fountain.

Jack: Don't change the subject.

Angelica: No, _you_ don't change the subject. The Fountain of Youth.

Jack: Sure. What about it?

_They get interrupted again when Scrum bursts unceremoniously into the room._

Scrum: What's red and armed and really ticked off?

Jack: Ugh, I hate riddles.

Angelica: It's not a riddle. The British are coming!

Jack: Now I wish it had been a riddle.

_Jack and Angelica take out their swords while Scrum piles barrels, chairs, a table, and some golf clubs in front of the door._

Angelica: Jack, you're like a trouble magnet.

Jack: Not my fault everyone wants a piece of this, even some Royal fat dude!

Angelica: You're impossible.

Jack: I'm im_probable_.

Angelica: That does not work nearly as well out of context.

Random Guard: In the name of His Royal Excellency, Sir Reverend-Doctor George P. Augustus…

_He continues to rattle off the King's entire paragraph of a title._

Jack: Angelica, we've got a few minutes, if you'd like to continue your rant.

Angelica: You bet I do! You seduced me and you used me and stole my innocence!

Jack: Lies. If you were so innocent, how did you know how to –

Angelica: Shut up. How did you even know how to open a chastity belt?

Jack: Is that what that was?

Scrum: Does anyone else feel nervous? Isn't it about time we ran away?

Random Guard: I'm going to count to three. OOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNEE…

_Jack and Angelica hide. The door sort of shatters into splintery bits and Scrum runs away._

Random Guard: Hey, I wasn't done counting!

Less Random Guard: Well, I was done waiting.

_Commence fighting._

Angelica: Jack, I know you failed statistics –

Jack: Did not! I invented statistics!

Angelica: Well, statistically, we're screwed!

Jack: Lies.

_He starts stabbing the barrels. The barrels are full of bubble bath, so it spills everywhere and the floor gets all slippery and the guards start falling down. Jack and Angelica continue stabbing open barrels as they run away, until Jack gets distracted by one that's full of hot chocolate and tries to pick out all the marshmallows. Angelica drags him away._

Angelica: You're hopeless.

_They get cornered by like sixty British guys._

Jack: Well, eff.

Angelica: Nope.

_She stabs the magic lever and a trap door opens and they fall through it, into the river/ocean/puddle thing._

Jack: You really think I used you?

Angelica: No, I just felt like saying it. Heat of the moment sort of thing.

Jack: Oh.

_They swim to a random dock that apparently doesn't appear on any British maps._

Angelica: So. What do you know about the Fountain?

Jack: Only the awesome parts. Like, about the silver chalices.

Angelica: What chalices?

Jack: Exactly. Oh, and the ritual.

Angelica: The ritual's not that awesome.

Jack: Oh, so you know about it?

_Jack accidentally drinks some sleeping potion._

Angelica: Yep. We'll need a mermaid.

_The sleeping potion is very potent and Jack plops over unconscious after like 2 seconds._

_Scrum swims up from a random direction, out of breath._

Scrum: What did I miss? Anything important?

Angelica: How did you…? *sigh* Never mind.

* * *

><p><strong>Here you go! Your weekly update! Hope you liked it! :)<strong>


	5. Minor Characters Reunion Party

**Minor Characters Reunion Party**

_Out in a dark alley behind the Tower of London, Groves and Gillette are guarding a random makeshift set of gallows. Gillette is trying to look cool by practicing his Captain Morgan pose. Groves looks bored and keeps checking his watch._

Groves: If time were moving any slower it'd be yesterday by now. Weren't they supposed to be here an hour ago?

Gillette: I don't know. What do you think of this?

Groves: That's the same pose you've been doing all night.

Gillette: No it's not! See, look at this hand. It's a fist this time. More tough-looking, right?

Groves: *sigh* Sure.

_Just in time, some guards show up, dragging Gibbs with them._

Gibbs: Apparently you guys missed the memo about it not being opposite day. Usually when someone's given a life sentence you're not supposed to hang them.

Guard 1: Usually. There's an exception to everything.

Gibbs: I'm not exceptional, I promise. I'm just average.

_Barbossa shows up, wig and all. Gillette renews his pose, hoping to make himself look impressive._

Barbossa: Gillette, what are you doing?

Gillette: What? Whatever do you mean? I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary, sir, no sir, just standing here, the way I always stand, in such a way that –

Barbossa: Shut up and stand there like a normal person.

_Gillette pouts._

Gibbs: Barbossa, is that you?

Barbossa: Heck yes.

Gibbs: There's something different about you…

Barbossa: I got a new belt yesterday.

Gibbs: I was going to say it was either the wig or the fact that you're missing a leg, but I guess your belt's nice too.

Barbossa: Thanks, it's real leather.

_Barbossa tosses a rope to Gibbs._

Barbossa: You know how to tie a noose, right?

Gibbs: Um, no, actually…

Barbossa: What? You mean no one ever taught you to tie a noose?

Gibbs: You were supposed to, but Jack shot you before you had a chance.

_Barbossa rolls his eyes and throws the rope to Gillette. Gillette screams in surprise and jumps out of the way, and the rope falls to the ground in a mud puddle. Everyone sort of just stares at him for a moment._

Gillette: I'm terribly sorry for my outburst. I thought that rope was a snake. I humbly seek your apologies, sir, for disrupting –

Barbossa: Why on earth wouldI throw a snake at you?

_Pause._

Barbossa: Never mind, I just came up with a bunch of good reasons. Just tie a noose, will ya?

_Gillette picks up the rope and tries to tie a noose, but he accidentally ties his hands together. He pouts._

Groves: For heaven's sake, give me that.

_Groves takes the rope and ties a noose in one second._

Barbossa: So, Gibbs, where is Jack Sparrow?

Gibbs: I can honestly say I have no idea.

Barbossa: That's too bad.

_Gillette tries to toss the noose over the wooden beam, but misses and hits Barbossa in the back of the head with the rope. Gillette loses five points. Groves successfully throws the rope over the beam and earns himself a point. Gibbs frowns at the noose._

Gibbs: There's no way my head's going to fit through that hole.

Groves: Then maybe you should've tied it yourself.

Barbossa: Come on, Gibbs, let's not take forever. The _HMS Providence_ leaves tomorrow at first light.

_Groves checks his watch. It's already 1:30 in the morning._

Groves: Great. We've got like four hours till sunrise. Looks like I'm sleeping in my office tonight.

Gillette: You have an office?

Groves: Um, yeah, you didn't know that?

Gillette: How come you get an office and I don't?

Groves: Because I outrank you.

Gillette: Lieutenant-Commander isn't even a real rank.

Groves: I'm just ahead of my time.

Barbossa: Would you two shut up? You're wasting time and oxygen.

_Gillette pouts._

Gibbs: If you guys take me to –

Barbossa: The Fountain of Youth? Is that where Jack's going?

Gibbs: If you already know, why did you capture me?

Barbossa: For fun. And because the rumors were unfortunately silent as far as directions go.

_Gibbs takes the map out of his pocket._

Gibbs: Oh, hey, look what I found!

Barbossa: Sweet! Hand it over.

_Gibbs drops the map into a vat of hot lava and it burns up._

Gibbs: Oops. Good thing I accidentally memorized that map. Guess you'll have to take me with you if you want to get where you're going.

Barbossa: Welcome back to the Navy, loser.

_Barbossa leaves._

Gillette: You were in the Navy?

Gibbs: Yeah. I sailed over from England with Norrington.

Gillette: YOU KNEW NORRINGTON!

Groves: *sigh* You just had to go there.

* * *

><p><strong>Normally I do my updating on Saturday, but looking ahead I realized this chapter was pretty short, so you get a mini mid-week update! :)<strong>


	6. Sailing, Sailing

**Sailing, Sailing**

_Jack is sleeping in a hammock, lulled by the gentle rocking of the ship. He's dreaming of hot chocolate and marshmallows, and enjoying the dream immensely, when suddenly…_

Scrum: WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?

_Jack panics and falls unceremoniously out of the hammock, onto his face._

Scrum: What are you waiting for? You think this deck is gonna swab itself?

_Jack frowns at the deck for a moment._

Jack: Doesn't look like it.

_Scrum gives him a mop and naturally they start mopping._

Jack: I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Scrum: Oh yeah? How's that?

Jack: I'm not supposed to be here.

Scrum: You think you're the only one in that boat?

_Pause. Jack sorta looks around._

Jack: Doesn't look like it.

Scrum: Don't you know a figure of speech when you hear one?

Jack: Oh.

_Pause._

Jack: So, wait, what were you saying?

Scrum: How many sailors do you know who've woken up on a ship with no memory of the night before? Probably like, a zillion, right?

Jack: Well, yeah, but I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

Scrum: What does that have to do with anything?

Jack: You ask a lot of questions.

Scrum: Do you realize how rich I'd be if I had a dime for everytime someone said, "Scrum asks too many questions?"

Jack: Your name is Scrum?

Scrum: Didn't I just say that?

Jack: Not in so many words.

_We see some other random pirates doing something with a ginormous glass box. Jack is in a morbid sort of mood, so he assumes the box is a coffin._

Jack: Why is there a glass coffin?

Scrum: Do I look like I someone who knows why there's a glass coffin?

Jack: *sigh* Can you at least tell me where I am?

Scrum: Ever heard of the _Queen Anne's Revenge?_

Jack: Duh.

_Pause._

Jack: Wait, you mean this is Blackbeard's ship?

Scrum: What else would that possibly mean?

Jack: Never mind.

_And the Queen Anne's Revenge is quite an epic-looking ship. It gets 10 points for being awesome. Then some guy the script calls "Gunner" makes some pirates swab another deck. Jack is halfheartedly scrubbing at a floorboard with a toothbrush._

Scrum: You really expect to make any progress with that?

Jack: Shut up.

_The Quartermaster pours a bucket of soapy water on top of some pirates and laughs._

Jack: What's his deal?

Scrum: Well, how would you feel if you'd been zombified?

Jack: Zombified? That's not even a thing.

_Gunner hears this and makes a mean face at Jack. Jack quickly goes back to scrubbing._

Scrum: By the way, do you have any idea where my toothbrush went?

_Now Jack, Scrum, and another skinny pirate who somehow got stuck with the name Salaman, are pulling on a random rope._

Jack: Scrum, you smell gross.

Scrum: Well, what do you expect after five days at sea?

Jack: Fair enough.

Salaman: (wasn't fortunate enough to get a line here)

_Jack randomly notices Philip tied to the top of the mast._

Jack: Sucks to be him.

Scrum: Yeah, but is there really anything worse than people who tell you you're going to hell?

Jack: Yeah. Pirates who ask too many questions.

Scrum: How about ticking off the first mate?

Jack: Depends on who the first mate is.

Scrum: But, if she wanted to let this guy live, you wouldn't kill him, right?

Jack: Huh?

_Pause._

Jack: Wait, the first mate is a "she?"

_The most convenient breeze ever blows a patchwork quilt out of the way and lo and behold, it's Angelica, wearing the coolest hat that has ever appeared in the movies._

Angelica: What did I tell you losers about playing hopscotch on the deck? Now it's going to have to be washed again!

Jack: Oh, perfect.

Scrum: What's perfect?

Jack: Nothing.

Scrum: Then why did you say - ?

Jack: Sarcasm. You should try it sometime.

_Jack leaves and goes downstairs and lies in wait for Angelica. He accosts her as she comes down the flight of stairs, and pokes the toothbrush into her back like a gun._

Jack: Jerk. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just shoot you now.

Angelica: Because Scrum's toothbrush isn't loaded.

_Jack pouts and throws the toothbrush at a random passing pirate._

Jack: You're a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Angelica: …said the liar. I told you I had a ship, didn't I?

Jack: Yeah, but you don't have a ship. Seems to me like Blackbeard's the one with a ship.

Angelica: He wouldn't be much of a pirate captain without one.

Jack: True.

_Pause._

Jack: Hey…

Angelica: Anyway, I've got everything under control. We can totally go to the Fountain of Youth.

Jack: Right. Because Blackbeard's retired from being the scariest pirate ever and is now running a taxi service. When he's not zombifying people, of course. Makes sense.

Angelica: He'll listen to me.

Jack: He doesn't listen to anyone.

Angelica: Not the first time. You sort of have to get his attention first. Being his daughter helps.

Jack: Yeah, like he'll believe I'm his daughter. We'd be better off trying to convince him that Scrum is a doughnut.

Angelica: No, doofus, he thinks _I'm_ his daughter.

Jack: Oh, right, that makes much more sense.

_Red alert. Zombie attack. Jack and Angelica hide behind a barrel… because zombies can't see through barrels…?_

Jack: Wait, there's still a problem.

Angelica: Oh, right.

_She takes a plastic spork out of her pocket._

Angelica: Here, this should help.

_Pause._

Jack: What?

Angelica: Wait, what are you talking about?

Jack: What do you think I'm talking about?

Angelica: I thought you meant… Never mind.

_She puts the spork away._

Jack: Right. Well, anyway, I was going to say that unless Blackbeard is really distracted when we get to the Fountain, there's no way he'll let me drink from it.

Angelica: Oh, no worries. He'll be dead.

Jack: You've been poisoning him, slowly, over time. That's good.

Angelica: No need. There's a prophecy. Do you believe in magic?

Jack: Not unless you count cursed Aztec gold, Davy Jones, the kraken, the dead man's chest, the locker, and the fact that Cutler Beckett never messed up his wig even as shards of splintered wood were about to send him exploding to his death as magic.

_Pause._

Angelica: Thanks for the recap. Anyway, Blackbeard's got two weeks, tops, and then he'll get killed by a one-legged man.

Jack: One-legged, you say? I know just the one. Too bad he hates me. Though, I suppose it wouldn't be too hard to make your own one-legged man. Do you happen to have a bone saw?

Angelica: Not even gonna ask.

Jack: The less you know the better.

Angelica: Well, in that case, all I know is that Blackbeard wants to get to the Fountain, before the one-legged man gets him.

_She leaves._

* * *

><p><strong>Here it is - your Saturday update! I hope you guys enjoyed it! :)<strong>


	7. Team England vs Team Spain

**Team England vs. Team Spain**

_Unfortunately for Groves and Gillette, Barbossa is now the "captain" of the HMS Providence. He's still wearing the wig even though it makes him look weird. Groves is escorting Gibbs up to where Barbossa is waiting. Gibbs is hopping with both feet, and trips on the stairs and falls flat on his face._

Barbossa: What's the matter with you? Can't you walk like a normal person?

Gibbs: Maybe, if your dumb lieutenant hadn't tied my feet together.

Barbossa: Gillette, did you tie the prisoner's feet together?

Gillette: I was simply following your express instructions, sir, to secure the prisoner, as you said, sir, and thought that if the motion of his feet were restricted he would be less likely to run away.

Barobssa: I would think being surrounded by the ocean would be incentive enough, but okay. Groves, why didn't you untie him?

Groves: Maybe I was hoping that I didn't actually have to do _everything_ around here.

Barbossa: Whatever. Gibbs, are we going the right way?

Gibbs: I'd have to look at the map to know that.

Barbossa: What have you been doing this whole time?

Gibbs: Untying my feet.

Barbossa: *exasperated sigh* Well, have a look now.

_Gibbs looks at the map._

Gillette: And no stalling, prisoner! You're making a foolish waste of Captain Barbossa's valuable time!

Barbossa: You're one to talk.

Groves: Is it time for my lunch break yet?

_He looks at his watch and sighs. It's not._

Gibbs: Nice watch.

Groves: Thanks. It was a promotion gift.

Gillette: The illustrious Commodore Norrington got a sword when he was promoted, which, in my humble subordinate opinion is a much more prestigious gift to receive.

Groves: Yeah, but a sword can't tell time, now, can it?

Barbossa: And Norrington also got shanked by his ex-fiance's undead father-in-law.

_Gillette starts to cry._

Groves: Why did you have to do that?

Barbossa: It's fun.

Groves: Well, every time you set him off, I'm the one who has to deal with him.

Barbossa: Someone's cranky today.

Groves: I didn't get my coffee this morning.

_Groves pouts._

Barbossa: Gibbs, have you got a look at those charts yet?

Gibbs: Yep, we're going the right way. So are the Spanish.

_Oh, hey, look at that Spanish galleon over there that must not have been there five minutes ago, otherwise someone would have seen it. Unless Gillette forgot to assign someone to the crow's nest again. Everybody runs dramatically to the side to investigate the Spanish ship. Barbossa trips down the stairs because he only has one leg, but recovers quickly and pretends no one saw it. Groves takes out his spyglass and sees Gonzalez standing epically on the deck._

Barbossa: First one to their battle station gets five points!

_The sailors hurry to their battle stations. Five points are exciting no matter the occasion._

Barbossa: And don't forget the cannons!

Gillette: You heard the Captain! Get the cannons ready!

_The cannons are ready and everyone stares dramatically at the Spanish ship. Barbossa steals Groves' spyglass and looks over at Gonzalez._

Groves: Cannons are ready. We're just waiting on you.

_Barbossa keeps admiring Gonzalez's cool hat._

Groves: Sir? Orders, sir?

_Déjà vu smacks Groves in the face so hard he almost falls over. Barbossa gives him a weird look and gives the spyglass back._

Gibbs: Gonzalez's pose is pretty epic.

_Gillette starts trying to imitate Gonzalez._

Barbossa: Clearly they're not in the mood to get owned. They just want the Fountain. Forget everything your kindergarten teachers told you about it not being a race! Full speed ahead! More sail!

Gillette: More sail, sir! Yes, sir! I'll get right on it, right away, sir, to making more sail!

_Gillette runs off._

Barbossa: (to Groves) You'd better go help him.

_Groves takes the bottle of aspirin out of his pocket – the one Beckett gave him at the end of the last movie._

Groves: Good think I kept this.

* * *

><p><strong>Short-ish chapter this time... but next week is the mutiny! And I do enjoy parodying these sections with Barbossa and Gillette and Groves. :)<strong>


	8. Zombie Apocalypse

**Zombie Apocalypse**

_Now it's nighttime. The pirates on the Queen Anne's Revenge are having a secret meeting in a corner of the cargo hold. There's a sign on the wall that says "Underwater Basket Weaving Club Meeting." Jack shines a flashlight at himself and makes spooky faces._

Jack: The topic, gentlemen, is mutiny.

Derrick: I thought we were here to do underwater basket weaving.

Salaman: No, that was just the cover story.

Derrick: Why would we need a cover story?

Salaman: Because mutiny is illegal.

Derrick: It is? Since when?

Jack: What do you think mutiny is?

Derrick: It's a place where old paintings and artifacts are on display, right? And you can look at them, but you're not allowed to touch.

Salaman: That's a museum.

Derrick: So what's mutiny?

Jack: In short, we're taking over the ship.

Derrick: Oh, that sounds much more fun!

Salaman: Especially since it's bad luck to have a lady as your first mate.

Ezekiel: And zombies are creepy!

_The Cabin Boy, who I've named Lenny, shows up with an armload of swords._

Cabin Boy Lenny: You'd think the weapons safe combination would be hard to crack.

Jack: What was it?

Lenny: 1!

Jack: That's it?

Lenny: Yeah. Just one number. And it was 1!

Ezekiel: Excuse me, should we be writing this down?

Jack: Anyway, what do you guys know about the captain?

Scrum: How much can you really know about a person when he's always in his cabin?

Jack: He doesn't come out?

Lenny: Nope. Not really.

Jack: Well he has to come out sometime. What if he has to pee?

_Awkward silence._

Jack: Have any of you actually seen him?

Ezekiel: I saw a porpoise today!

Jack: That's nice. But you've never seen the Captain?

Ezekiel: Oh, you mean the captain. No, I've never seen him.

Derrick: Will we need to know dates?

Jack: Have any of you sailed with him before?

_Nobody has._

Jack: Good news! This isn't Blackbeard's ship.

Scrum: What?

Jack: This isn't the _Queen Anne's Revenge._

Scrum: Then why would it say _Queen Anne's Revenge_ on the ship?

_Jack makes the ultimate face of, "You've got to be freaking kidding me."_

Jack: Okay guys, clearly someone lied to you.

Salaman: We are decepted, then.

_Jack makes the face of, "I'm trying really hard here, but you're not giving me a whole lot to work with."_

Jack: Decepted. Sure. Because that's a word.

_Pause while the sarcasm dies because there isn't enough intelligence to sustain it._

Jack: Anyway. They also clearly forgot to tell you they're sailing to the Fountain of Youth.

Derrick: We're all gonna die!

Jack: Yeah, unless we mutiny.

Salaman: Is this covered in Chapter 2?

_Scrum jumps up and grabs a sword and stabs a random table._

Scrum: WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

_He runs off._

Jack: Hopefully his enthusiasm is matched by sword-weilding awesomeness. Off you go.

_Everyone runs off and starts a mutiny._

_Jack sneaks into Angelica's cabin like a creeper and finds her sleeping. He lies down on the bed/cot thing next to her._

Angelica: Jack, what are you doing here? You're not creepin' in my cabin, are you?

Jack: No, I, uh… It's a dream.

Angelica: If this were a dream, you'd be Will Turner.

Jack: What! I thought you didn't know who Will Turner was!

Angelica: Well, we've already established that I tell lies.

_She throws him off the bed._

Jack: Ow.

Angelica: What are you doing in here?

Jack: Besides the obvious?

Angelica: Go away.

Jack: Okay, fine. Oh, and just FYI, there's a mutiny going on.

_He starts to run away. Angelica kinda chases him and yells in Spanish._

Angelica: El círculo más profundo de infierno está reservado para traidores y amotinados!

_Jack barely escapes and shuts the door. Angelica throws a hatchet through it, narrowly missing Jack's head._

Jack: Must be that time of the month.

_He goes off to join in the mutiny. There's an epic battle going on, pirates versus zombies. Scrum stabs the Quartermaster, but the Quartermaster just does the Barbossa/Davy Jones thing and epically pulls the sword out of his chest. Angelica joins Team Zombie. Team Pirate employs the use of nets to capture the zombies._

_Jack and Salaman climb the rigging up to where Philip is tied. Salaman holds knife to Philip's face._

Salaman: Team Pirate or Team Zombie?

Philip: Team Jesus.

Jack: Close enough.

_They cut him free and climb down._

Jack: ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL! And every man for himself!

_The nets work surprisingly well, and soon Team Pirate has control of the ship. Jack strikes a Captain Morgan pose on the balcony thing._

Jack: And that, my friends, is how to commit a mutiny.

* * *

><p><strong>Here's your update! Sorry it's a day late... I forgot to do it yesterday morning and was busy all afternoon. Leave a review!<strong>


	9. Addicting Games and Other Distractions

**Addicting Games and Other Distractions**

_Ominous bell tolls. Behind Jack, a set of double doors swings open, releasing a billow of smoke. Blackbeard staggers out, hacking and coughing. Everyone stares at him in fear and confusion._

Blackbeard: Don't worry! Everything's under control! Just burned some toast.

Angelica: Again?

Blackbeard: What's going on out here, anyway? I was in my cabin, playing some Angry Birds, and I could barely hear the theme music over all this racket.

Jack: Angry Birds?

Blackbeard: Yeah, it gets addicting. I don't think I've been out of my cabin in five days.

Jack: Oh.

Blackbeard: Wow, that was a tangent. Where was I?

Angelica: You were asking what's going on out here.

Blackbeard: Oh, right. Yeah, what _is_ going on out here?

Angelica: Mutiny, Captain!

_Pause. Blackbeard is apparently engrossed with staring at the balcony railing._

Angelica: Uh, earth to Blackbeard…?

Blackbeard: Oh, sorry, I was distracted. What were you saying?

Angelica: Mutiny. There's a mutiny going on.

Blackbeard: Mutiny! Well, we know what do do with mutineers, don't we?

Jack: Drop them off at the nearest port with a days' ration of rum?

Blackbeard: Nope. We hang them!

_Blackbeard flourishes his sword dramatically, but nothing happens. He looks at the sword and notices it's the wrong one. He puts it away and tries again with another, and the ship's rigging starts capturing pirates and hoisting them up. Some guy tries to escape by jumping off the ship, but the ropes are like, "SNATCHES!" and he gets captured too._

_Jack drops down from a rope upside-down in front of Blackbeard._

Jack: (pointing to Scrum) He started it.

Blackbeard: Somehow I doubt that.

_Jack is dropped to the deck with a thud._

Jack: Ow.

_Blackbeard and Angelica stand over Jack menacingly._

Jack: Captain Blackbeard, sir, your dashing looks must run in the family, because your daughter is mighty fine, if you know what I mean.

_Blackbeard pulls out his pistol to shoot Jack._

Blackbeard: I'd rather not contemplate.

_Angelica grabs his arm._

Angelica: No, don't! We need him, remember?

Blackbeard: We do?

Angelica: Yes! He's the one who knows how to get to the Fountain.

Blackbeard: Fountain?

Angelica: Weren't you listening when I told you about all this? Earlier today, after lunch?

Blackbeard: I was playing Angry Birds. You know you can't talk to me while I'm playing Angry Birds.

Angelica: You're always playing Angry Birds!

Blackbeard: Then you should be glad I'm getting a new hobby!

_Philip makes a dramatic entrance._

Philip: Coward!

Blackbeard: Who, me?

Philip: If you weren't, you'd be out here captaining your ship like a respectable person instead of hiding in your cabin, shooting animated birds at imaginary pigs.

Blackbeard: Have you ever actually played Angry Birds?

Philip: Well, no.

Blackbeard: Then don't judge.

Philip: Have you ever considered that there may be more to life than addicting games?

_Blackbeard points his pistol at Philip._

Blackbeard: Take it back!

_Again, Angelica stops him from firing the pistol._

Angelica: NO!

Blackbeard: What is your problem? You remind me of your mom, right before I left her.

Angelica: Just don't shoot the prophet.

Philip: I'm not exactly a prophet…

Blackbeard: Angelica says every soul can be saved. Is that true?

Philip: Well, yeah, besides Satan.

Blackbeard: See? No worries.

_Blackbeard decides not to shoot Philip._

_Pause._

Blackbeard: Crap. Now I've got "Hakuna Matata" stuck in my head. What was I doing?

Angelica: Punishing mutineers.

Blackbeard: Right! Who stood watch?

Jack: Me! I did! I watched everything that –

Blackbeard: No you didn't.

Jack: *shrug* Sorry, Cook, I tried.

Blackbeard: The Cook? Really? I love irony!

_A longboat is lowered and the Cook starts rowing away from the Queen Anne's Revenge._

Jack: Wait, why is this ironic?

Blackbeard: Because we're gonna cook him!

_I didn't get it the first time either._

Angelica: Father, is this really necessary?

Blackbeard: Yep. Gotta stick to the code.

Jack: You know, I've heard some people say they're really more like guidelines.

Blackbeard: And how far does that get them?

Jack: Pretty far, actually…

_The Cook is frantically trying to invent an outboard motor. It's kinda useless though because even if he did invent the motor, he doesn't have a sparkplug so it wouldn't work. Giant flames shoot out of the front of the ship and "cook" the Cook. Philip and Angelica are justifiably horrified. Philip starts to yell at Blackbeard but realizes he's not there. Blackbeard has wandered away and is staring up at the constellations._

Blackbeard: Cygnus doesn't look like a swan at all!

Angelica: Father…

Blackbeard: Well, look at it! It's just a giant X!

Angelica: *sigh*

_Blackbeard comes back over to where everyone else is standing and sees the longboat already on fire._

Blackbeard: What? I missed it? Do it again so I can watch!

_They do._

Blackbeard: I just love playing God.

Philip: So did Adam, and look where that got us.

* * *

><p><strong>If you guys have never played Angry Birds... well, trust me, it's addicting. And awesome. Anyway, leave a review and let me know what you thought of my Blackbeard! :)<strong>


	10. Head Trauma and Coercion

**Head Trauma and Coercion**

_The Quartermaster drags Jack into Blackbeard's cabin, which is still a little smoky, and duct tapes him to the ceiling. Blackbeard is sitting at his desk, searching through the drawers._

Jack: I've decided that the Fountain of Youth is probably lame, so if you just drop me off at the nearest port, you can have it all to yourself.

_Blackbeard totally ignores him, and keeps rummaging around in his desk._

Jack: Hello?

_No response._

Jack: Hey, Captain Blackbeard, your ship's on fire.

_Still no response._

Jack: Your daughter's pregnant and I'm the father.

_Blackbeard is still paying more attention to the contents of his desk, and getting more and more agitated. Jack randomly finds a pair of scissors in his pocket and cuts himself out of the duct tape, then he holds the scissors like a dagger and approaches Blackbeard's desk in stealth mode._

Blackbeard: Dang it! I can't find it anywhere!

_Jack hides the scissors and grins innocently._

Jack: Find what?

Blackbeard: That's the worst part. I don't even remember what I'm looking for.

_Pause._

Blackbeard: Wait, when did you get here?

Jack: *sigh* Never mind.

Blackbeard: Well, while you're here, maybe you can tell me how to get to the Fountain of Youth.

Jack: First tell me why you're so distracted all the time.

Blackbeard: Traumatic head injury left over from my first execution. Years ago some hotheaded lieutenant tried to behead me, but someone knocked the guillotine over and it landed on my head instead, which sorta scrambled my brains.

Jack: Sucks to be you.

_Pause._

Blackbeard: Sorry, what was that?

Jack: I'm going to have so much fun with this.

Blackbeard: With what?

Jack: With the stegosaurus behind you!

_Blackbeard turns to look. Jack raises the scissors again to stab Blackbeard, but Blackbeard looks back and sees him._

Blackbeard: You found my scissors! That's what I was looking for! Thanks so much!

_Jack hands over the scissors._

Blackbeard: Now if only I could remember what I needed them for…

_He strokes his beard as he contemplates, and notices it's full of soot from the toast-making disaster. Then he spends five minutes wiping his beard clean. When all the black soot is out, Jack notices that Blackbeard's beard isn't acutally black. It's green._

Jack: Uh, one more question. Your, uh, beard… it's, um, well it's not black..

Blackbeard: *sigh* I know, I know. It was supposed to be one of those two-day color jobs, you know, just for St. Patrick's Day, but I think I used the wrong kind of dye.

Jack: Yeah, considering it's July.

_Pause._

Blackbeard: Wait. Wait a minute. Did you say that Angelica's pregnant?

_Jack gets confused, then remembers that he did in fact utter those words._

Jack: Oh. That. I was just trying to get your attention.

Blackbeard: So she's not pregnant?

Jack: Not by me. It's been like seven years since we –

Blackbeard: Since you did what?

Jack: Um… played checkers…

_Blackbeard picks up a voodoo doll dressed like Jack._

Jack: And why do you even care whether Angelica and I did or didn't, uh, play checkers? She's not even your daughter anyway.

Blackbeard: Strike two.

Jack: What is this, golf?

_Angelica enters the room._

Angelica: Hey, everybody!

Jack: Oh, Angelica, so glad you're here. I'm getting hungry. Do you think you could make me a sandwich?

Blackbeard: Strike three.

_Blackbeard stabs the voodoo doll with the scissors, and Jack doubles over holding his stomach._

Jack: Never mind, I think I'm gonna hurl.

Angelica: Father, cut it out. He'll help us.

Jack: I will?

Blackbeard: Cut it out, you say?

_He pokes the doll's shoulder with the scissors, and carves the shape of an angry bird into Jack's shoulder._

Angelica: Dad, I know you think puns are hilarious, but you're pretty much the only one.

_Besides Agent047's sister's biology teacher, that is._

_Jack frowns at the angry bird shape in his shoulder._

Jack: Couldn't you have at least made it something cool? Like a lightning bolt?

Angelica: Jack, just shut up and agree to help us.

Blackbeard: Did he just say Angry Birds wasn't cool? I'll show you not cool.

_He dangles the doll upside down over a random candle. Jack clutches at his head._

Blackbeard: What would be super-cool is if you could help us find the Fountain.

Jack: Could I have an aspirin first?

Blackbeard: Do I look like a pharmacist to you?

Jack: Just take the stupid doll away from the fire!

Blackbeard: What doll?

_Angelica rolls her eyes and takes the voodoo doll from Blackbeard. Jack looks mighty relieved._

Blackbeard: Oh. That doll. Sorry.

Jack: Just show me your charts.

* * *

><p><strong>Here's your weekly update! I hope you're still enjoying Blackbeard and everyone else. Leave a review! :)<strong>


	11. Not Deja Vu Again

**Not Déjà vu Again…**

_Barbossa is sitting at a mini little table drinking tea and eating scones. Groves walks up and has a minor freak-out attack._

Groves: For a minute there I thought you were Beckett.

_Barbossa turns around and has a minor freak-out attack of his own._

Barbossa: For a minute there I thought you were Gillette.

Groves: If you ever get a pet cat, I'm jumping overboard.

Barbossa: What are you doing over here, anyway?

Groves: We drew straws and, of course, I lost.

_Groves pulls a straw out of his pocket. It's microscopic._

Groves: This is the shortest straw I've ever seen in my life. Anyway, I get to report the rumors.

Barbossa: Yes, I'm missing a leg. Happy?

_Groves looks at Barbossa's missing leg in surprise._

Barbossa: Go away. I'm eating a snack.

_Groves doesn't move. Finally Barbossa stands up and faces Groves._

Barbossa: Fine. You have five seconds. What's so important?

Groves: Whitecap Bay.

_Barbossa rolls his eyes._

Barbossa: You've been talking to Gibbs, haven't you?

Groves: Well, he's been talking to me.

Barbossa: And the entire crew apparently.

_It looks like everyone on the ship has gathered on deck. Barbossa goes over to speak to all of them._

Barbossa: So you guys are afraid of Whitecap Bay, is that right?

Gibbs: Captain, if you'd just let me explain –

Barbossa: Shut up, you're the one who started it.

Gibbs: I was only telling bedtime stories about Whitecap Bay and the mermaids and all, and then your dumb lieutenant thought it would be funny if we were actually going to Whitecap Bay, after everyone heard all the stories, and somehow that turned into the rumor that we actually were going there…

Barbossa: So you're completely faultless here.

Gibbs: A blind man could see that.

Barbossa: By definition, a blind man can't see anything.

Groves: Are we going to Whitecap Bay or not?

Barbossa: Affirmative.

Groves: And are there mermaids there?

Barbossa: Or evil, man-eating devil-fish who will lure you down to their lair and eat your face, but yeah, I guess mermaids is easier to say.

Groves: Thanks for the lovely mental image.

_The sailors start to freak out. Gillette chugs like half a bottle of Pepto-Bismol._

Groves: You guys are pansies.

_A random sailor screams like a little girl and leaps overboard._

Groves: For real?

Random Sailor Beauregard: Man overboard!

Barbossa: Not much of a man, in my opinion.

Groves: Come about! Let's see if we can beat our rescue record of…

Gillette: 49 minutes and 8 seconds!

Barbossa: Wouldn't it be easier to just leave him there?

_Pause._

Groves: Yeah.

Barbossa: That's the spirit.

_Barbossa shouts to the entire crew._

Barbossa: Everybody quit whining. I've got one leg and one of my lieutenants is an overzealous lunatic, you don't see me complaining.

Gibbs: He has a fair point.

_The sailors go back to work._

Groves: You know, Captain Barbossa, I'm technically a Lieutenant-Commander.

Barbossa: Is that even a thing?

Groves: *sigh* Never mind.

Barbossa: Is your rescue record really 49 minutes and 8 seconds?

Gillette: Oh, yes, sir. It may actually have been 6 or 7 seconds, but we like to round up so we can't be accused of falsifying our records. It is quite an impressive record, I know, and let me be the first to assure you that it is completely the truth, sir, no falsifying here, sir.

Barbossa: How many people were you rescuing?

Gillette: Only one, sir. Just one. It was actually Beauregard, that man you were speaking to earlier, sir, who fell into the sea one unfortunate day and –

Barbossa: You're right. That is impressive. It only took you almost an hour to pull one man out of the water.

Groves: In our defense, the dock got in our way.

Barbossa: You just blew my mind.

Gillette: Oh, thank you sir. I would say that I hope we –

Groves: Gillette?

Gillette: Yes?

Groves: I think you just earned yourself tonight's crow's nest duty.

Gillette: You can't make me.

Groves: Heck yes I can. I outrank you.

_Gillette pouts._

* * *

><p><strong>Your weekly update! I probably get too much fun out of doing these scenes with Barbossa and company, but oh well. Leave a review!<strong>


	12. Tango!

**Tango!**

_Jack has set up a romantic candlelight dinner, complete with live music from Scrum the one-man mariachi band. Angelica shows up._

Jack: Hola! Como estes nachos?

Angelica: Your Spanish sucks. You just asked me how these nachos are.

Jack: I definitely meant something else. I didn't even make nachos.

_Angelica notices that there's no food on the table._

Angelica: You didn't make anything.

Jack: That's your job. Ever since St. Dominique.

Angelica: Don't you remember what happened in St. Martinique a week later?

_Jack remembers the worst case of food poisoning he ever had, thanks to Angelica's cooking._

Jack: Maybe we should just stick with the wine.

Angelica: Good plan.

_Jack pours two goblets of wine and hands one to Angelica. She frowns at it._

Angelica: You gave me like a milliliter!

Jack: Two, actually. I only want to get you a little tipsy, not completely wasted like last time.

Angelica: What? Which time?

Jack: My point exactly.

Angelica: Well, if you're trying to get me drunk, you must want something.

Jack: You're so smart when you're sober.

Angelica: What do you want?

Jack: Just one dance.

_Scrum starts playing some intense Latin music. Jack and Angelica start dancing to it._

Jack: And the Fountain, obviously.

Angelica: There it is. So naturally you expect me to tell you about the Ritual.

Jack: Hence the wine.

_The dancing isn't going well._

Jack: Stop leading!

Angelica: Not my fault you left the job open.

Jack: You know I suck at waltzing!

Angelica: This isn't a waltz.

Jack: What?

_They try to continue but trip over each other's feet and trip and fall. Jack lands on top of Angelica._

Jack: This is familiar.

_Angelica rolls them over so she's on top._

Angelica: I remember it more like this.

Jack: If I agree will you tell me about the Ritual?

Angelica: Fine. Remember those chalices you told me about?

Jack: Yeah, I think so.

Angelica: Well, you need those and the tear of a mermaid.

Jack: What about the Fountain?

Angelica: I thought that went without saying. Obviously you need water from the Fountain.

Jack: Oh.

Angelica: Anyway, with all those items you can take all the years of life from someone.

Jack: Wait, what?

Angelica: Well, did you think gaining eternal life was going to be a cake walk?

Jack: Hey, cake walks are hard. I never win those things.

Angelica: You know what this means, don't you?

Jack: Yeah, we don't have any cake.

Angelica: No.

Jack: So there is cake?

Angelica: *sigh* You're always thinking with your stomach.

Jack: At least I'm not thinking with my –

Angelica: We can't go to the Fountain alone. We need a victim. Or two.

Jack: Ugh. I'd rather not.

_Angelica stands up._

Jack: Wait, come back.

Angelica: No, you come with me.

_Jack pouts for a moment, then gets up and follows her. Angelica leads him to a set of fancy wooden doors._

Jack: Are we supposed to be in here?

Angelica: It doesn't matter. Blackbeard's busy playing Words With Friends. Wanna guess what's inside here?

Jack: Narnia?

Angelica: Close.

_Angelica opens the doors and reveals Blackbeard's ship-in-a-bottle collection. There's like 103 bottles there, all containing ships that used to be real._

Jack: This is weird.

Angelica: Blackbeard likes to keep souveneirs. He's old. He's allowed to have a hobby. Anyway, if you help me get to the Fountain, I'll let you pick one. Five bucks says you'll pick the _Black Pearl_.

_Jack hands her three one-dollar bills, three quarters, four dimes, a nickel, and eighty pennies, and peeks at the bottle that holds his ship._

Jack: That is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

_Inside the bottle, the monkey swings on the rigging and screeches at him._

Jack: I stand corrected.

Angelica: So do we have a deal?

Jack: I find it hard to believe you're just going to kill some poor innocent sucker.

Angelica: Of course I'm not. What about the one-legged man?

Jack: Now we're talking.

Angelica: I need his years to save my father.

Jack: Angelica, it's me, you can quit the "Blackbeard's daughter" thing. I think we're past all that.

Angelica: I lied before. I really am Blackbeard's daughter. We did the paternity test and all.

Jack: So you lied about having lied by telling the truth?

Angelica: Uh… sure.

Jack: You do realize he's pure evil, right?

Angelica: Takes one to know one.

Jack: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Angelica: Next time I find an apple, I'm throwing it at you. You owe me.

Jack: An apple?

Angelica: *exasperated sigh* Men are hopeless. No wonder my mom left Blackbeard.

Jack: I thought Blackbeard said he left her…

Angelica: You also said you left me.

Jack: Well we've already established that you tell lies, so…

Random Lookout Guy: WHITECAP BAY!

Angelica: I'll deal with you later.

* * *

><p><strong>Probably not one of our more stellar chapters... But next comes the whole shindig at Whitecap Bay, and my brother thinks that scene is the best one we've done up to that point. Something to look forward to next Saturday! :)<strong>


	13. The Little Mermaid

**The Little Mermaid**

_Blackbeard and his crew arrive at Whitecap Bay. There's some sand, some water, a lighthouse, and, supposedly, mermaids… somewhere. The sailors lay nets on the beach. Blackbeard decides that they need light, and lots of it, so he and Jack, Angelica, and (randomly) Salaman go up in the lighthouse._

Salaman: It smells weird up here.

Jack: You smell weird up here.

Angelica: He always smells weird.

Blackbeard: That's whale oil you're smelling. Duh. To light the light. Hence, lighthouse.

Angelica: How on earth do you know that?

Blackbeard: I read it on the internet somewhere.

Angelica: You read what whale oil smells like?

Blackbeard: Where was it that I was reading that…? Hmm…

_Now he's distracted again so Angelica gives up. Salaman inspects the light thing._

Salaman: Made in China. Ugh. I hope it actually works.

_Jack stares out the window._

Angelica: I can never remember the difference between a waning crescent and a waxing crescent. And what the heck is a gibbous moon?

Jack: What?

Angelica: The moon. Isn't that what you're looking at?

Jack: The moon? Oh. No, I was looking at that seagull.

_He points to a seagull preening itself on a random rock._

Jack: It looks vaguely familiar.

Angelica: Don't they all?

_Salaman gets the light working and Blackbeard has a field day shining it in random pirates' eyes. Gunner sits with Scrum, Derrick, Ezekiel, Philip, and Cabin Boy Lenny in a rowboat in the middle of the bay. Blackbeard shines the light in Ezekiel's eyes._

Ezekiel: Great. Fantastic. Now I'm blinded and I won't be able to see to swim away!

Lenny: From the sharks?

Ezekiel: What are sharks?

Derrick: He's talking about mermaids. They like man-made light.

Lenny: How do you know Angelica didn't light that?

Derrick: Hilarious. Apparently you don't grasp the direness of our situation.

Lenny: I grasp that "direness" isn't a word.

Ezekiel: Actually it is. But none of that matters, because we're sitting out here as mermaid bait.

Lenny: What's a mermaid?

Derrick: Ever read Homer's _Odyssey?_

Lenny: No.

Derrick: Well, mermaids are like the sirens in that story.

_Ezekiel steps in to explain._

Ezekiel: Sexy as supermodels, evil as Blackbeard, magical as Calypso, and also half-fish as hot dogs.

Derrick: But hot dogs don't have any fish in them...

Ezekiel: Can you tell me that with 100% certainty?

Derrick: Well, like 93% maybe.

_Pause._

Derrick: 72%.

_Pause._

Derrick: Okay, I'm like 23% sure in my random guess that there is no fish in hot dogs.

Ezekiel: Where are you getting these statistics?

Lenny: We were talking about mermaids, remember?

Derrick: Right. A kiss from one of those can protect a man from drowning.

Ezekiel: But not from being eaten, apparently. A kiss is as far as you'll ever get, if you know what I mean.

Lenny: What do you mean?

Derrick: I'll tell you when you're older.

Gunner: Somebody start singing.

Scrum: Singing? Why?

Gunner: Mermaids like to hear singing.

Scrum: *sings* 600,000 bottles of rum on the wall, 600,000 bottles of rum!

Gunner: No! I hate that song!

_Scrum thinks hard._

Scrum: *sings* The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else's lake…

_Ezekiel joins him._

Scrum & Ezekiel: *sings* You dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake!

_Pause._

Scrum: Derrick, why aren't you singing with us?

Derrick: I don't know the words to that one. How about… *sings* Somewhere over the rainbow…

_Gunner whaps him._

Gunner: That's not from a Disney movie!

Philip: Newsflash. This _is_ a Disney movie.

_Philip sees something weird in the water._

Philip: Hey, what's that?

Derrick: Seaweed, ya lunatic.

Philip: No, not the seaweed. That.

_He points. The pirates look, and see a yellow fish with blue stripes._

Ezekiel: What is that?

Lenny: It's a fish. Obviously.

Derrick: I think it's a flounder.

Lenny: Here, fishy, fishy…

_While they're distracted by the fish, a mermaid named Tamara pops up next to the rowboat. The pirates don't notice right away, so Tamara throws a fork at the back of Scrum's head._

Scrum: What was that for?

_Then he notices that Tamara is sexy and grins like an idiot. Ezekiel pulls out a knife and Tamara starts to swim away._

Scrum: Is the knife really necessary? Are you trying to scare her away?

Ezekiel: Well, actually…

_Scrum whaps the knife out of Ezekiel's hand and it sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Tamara returns to the boat and Scrum goes back to leering._

Scrum: Can you talk?

Tamara: I happen to be fluent in 17 languages. 18, if you count the language of love.

_Scrum takes the bait and tries to kiss her. The other pirates hold him back._

Scrum: What's the matter, guys? Jealous?

Lenny: Yeah, a little.

Tamara: It's okay. I'm used to it.

Scrum: Has anyone ever told you that you are unbelievably gorgeous?

Tamara: Not twice. Bring your lips closer, I can't reach.

_Scrum is happy to oblige. Philip notices about a gazillion other mermaids have surfaced and are approaching the boat. Tamara pulls Scrum's face underwater and suddenly her crazy mermaid fangs appear. Scrum freaks out, and so do the pirates. Now it's Team Pirate versus Team Mermaid._

_On shore, Blackbeard and the others are waiting for mermaids to show up. Waiting is boring, so Blackbeard starts looking at cool seashells. Angelica notices the commotion going on around the rowboat._

Angelica: Look! They're here!

_Blackbeard is engrossed with a seashell._

Blackbeard: What is so muscular about a mussel, anyway?

Angelica: Huh?

_He holds up a mussel shell._

Blackbeard: Well, look at it! It's chipped in like fifty places. When I think of muscles I think strong and unbreakable.

Angelica: Different spellings, Dad. Forget the seashell. The mermaids are here.

Blackbeard: It's not just any seashell, Angelica, it's a – Did you say mermaids?

Angelica: *sigh* Just look.

_Blackbeard drops the seashell. It hits a rock and breaks, but he doesn't notice, because he's watching the splash-fest going on in the middle of the bay._

Blackbeard: Oh, look. Mermaids.

Angelica: *facepalm*

_Team Pirate is not faring well against Team Mermaid. Derrick gets nommed in the chest by a mermaid. Another mermaid tries to capture Philip. Pretty much, mermaids are everywhere. Some other pirates chuck barrels of gunpowder into the water and the barrels explode, which startles the mermaids enough to let Philip get free._

_The pirates on the beach carry the nets into the water. Blackbeard uses his magic sword to summon the Queen Anne's Revenge. It unleashes its flaming fury and chases the mermaids towards the nets. Still, the fighting is not going well for Team Pirate. Team Mermaid takes captives. And eats them._

Jack: We're screwed. Run away!

_The pirates are more than happy to comply, and they head back to land. Blackbeard doesn't notice. He's too busy counting the mermaids. Angelica tries to stop the retreating pirates._

Angelica: Get back out there! Nobody ordered a retreat!

_Random Pirate Baggs points to Jack._

Baggs: He did.

Angelica: Yeah, well, what did I tell you was the rule about him?

Baggs: Uh… That to not listen to when he says things…

Angelica: Very good. You get two points. Now go back out there and catch some mermaids! Dad, a little support would be appreciated.

Blackbeard: One hundred twenty-six… one hundred twenty – Gosh darn it! She moved again! Now I have to - Hey, what's going on? Angelica, why isn't anybody catching mermaids?

_Angelica tries to point to Jack, but some mermaids pull the dock out from under her and she falls down. Blackbeard chases the pirates back out to the bay with his pistol. Jack rescues Angelica._

Angelica: I can take care of myself, thank you very much.

Jack: Right. Feminism. You realize that won't exist in this country for another 200 years, right?

Baggs: Technically the country doesn't even exist yet.

Jack: If you speak again, you're not going to exist.

_Jack runs off towards the lighthouse._

_Oh, look, Philip survived the mermaid attack._

_Jack goes up in the lighthouse and frowns at the giant overhead vat of whale oil. He finds a random, conveniently-located, Moby-Dick-style whale harpoon and stabs it at the overhead vat, causing an inundation of oil to fall on the flame. Now Jack suddenly realizes that he forgot to plan an escape route._

Jack: Eff.

_He leaps epically out the window. And wins 10,000 awesomeness points. The lighthouse explodes behind him in a giant awesome fireball._

_Philip isn't enough of an action hero to dodge the falling rubble, so a mermaid, Syrena, saves him, and then gets trapped by giant rocks, etc. The other mermaids all get scared of the explosion and swim away._

_Blackbeard and the pirates are pulling in the nets to investigate their catch. So far, they've caught Scrum, who's acting like an idiot._

Scrum: Did you see which way she went?

Angelica: Who?

Scrum: Who else besides my lover would I seek?

Angelica: Gross.

_Syrena is sorta trapped so Philip panics and stabs her fins with his sword._

Syrena: Ow! Jerk! Is that any way to treat a lady?

Philip: Uh, sorry.

_Philip pulls out the sword. Some pirates throw a net over Syrena and capture her._

Angelica: We got one!

_Long pause. She looks around for Blackbeard. He's fiddling with one of the nets._

Angelica: Hey, Blackbeard. Mermaid.

Blackbeard: (still engrossed with the net) Yeah, just a minute…

Angelica: What are you doing?

Blackbeard: Well, there's a knot in this net and I'm just trying to untangle it before it gets all –

Angelica: Leave it. Just forget the net, okay? We caught a mermaid.

Blackbeard: A mermaid!

_He drops the net and runs over._

Blackbeard: Sweet! Nice going, prophet!

Philip: I'm not exactly a…

_But they ignore him and walk away._

Philip: *sigh*

_Jack trudges out of the water next to him._

Jack: Please tell me you saw that.

Philip: Saw what?

Jack: Great. No one saw it. Awesomest stunt in cinematic history, and nobody saw it. Got saltwater in my eyes for nothing.

Philip: Well, maybe if you did it again, I could get –

Jack: Yeah, I'll just blow up the lighthouse again. Forget it.

_They follow Blackbeard and company as Syrena is taken away. Suddenly Blackbeard stops._

Blackbeard: Holy crap! What happened to the lighthouse?

* * *

><p><strong>My brother says that this chapter is where we, in the words of my sister, found our "mojo." So I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter is Barbossa and company on the island... and the island is "haunted." ;) Stay tuned! Oh, and happy Easter!<strong>

**Also - check out my latest story, _The __Alliance, _which features Norrington, Jack, Will, Elizabeth, and others fighting against several groups of pirates trying to gain control of the Caribbean... also to stop an undercover plot.**


	14. Not the Early Birds

**Not the Early Birds**

_The HMS Providence arrives at Whitecap Bay. Barbossa is trying to organize a shore party but conditions aboard the Providence are, well, chaotic… to say the least._

Barbossa: Hey, I need volunteers for the shore party!

_The sailors are all freaking out and hiding from Barbossa. Except for Gibbs, and two sailors named Herman K. Patherston and X. Randalf Wetherly-Raynnes. Gibbs is arguing with the sailors over who won at dice last night and must therefore pay up in rum. Barbossa finds them._

Barbossa: Ah, Gibbs, there you are. You know you're pretty much contractually obligated to come with me, right?

Gibbs: I never signed any contract.

Barbossa: Or I could shoot you.

Gibbs: I'll do the rowing.

Barbossa: That's more like it. Patherston, Wetherly-Raynnes, you're coming too.

Wetherly-Raynnes: That's not fair!

Patherston: Why do we have to?

Barbossa: Because you were apparently too dumb to hide with the others and are therefore expendable.

_Patherston pouts and points to Gibbs._

Patherston: He started it.

Wetherly-Raynnes: Yeah, he owes us rum.

Gibbs: No I don't! You cheated, which is like forfeiting, which is like losing!

Patherston: You can't prove it! You owe us rum!

Gibbs: Do not!

Wetherly-Raynnes: Do too!

Barbossa: All three of you, into the longboat.

_Patherston, Wetherly-Raynnes, and Gibbs join Groves and Gillette in the longboat. Barbossa climbs in next, and frowns at his shore party. Gibbs and the two sailors are still bickering. Gillette is seasick and throwing up over the side of the boat (but pretending he's not) and Groves is finishing up the last of the rum._

Barbossa: This ought to be good.

_Gibbs does the rowing. Miraculously, they make it to shore and climb out onto the beach._

Barbossa: Finally.

_Gillette falls on his knees and kisses the solid ground. Then he pouts._

Gillette: Now I've got sand stuck to my lips.

_Patherston and Wetherly-Raynnes give him weird looks._ _Barbossa walks across the beach and steps in something squishy._

Barbossa: Eew, gross. Did I just step in dog doo?

_Groves tries to inspect the squishiness, but instead he falls on his butt in the sand._

Barbossa: Groves, are you drunk?

Groves: Do you blame me?

_Barbossa just does the eyeroll. Gibbs takes over for Groves and inspects the squishiness. It's essence of mermaid, or something like that. He also finds a business card for Triton, CEO of Mermaids, Inc._

Gibbs: Yep, it's mermaid all right. What say we just give up, head for Tortuga, and I'll buy you a drink.

Groves: Sounds good to me.

Gillette: Lieutenant Groves, sir, don't you think you've had enough?

Groves: You're still here, so apparently not. Help me up.

_Gillette gives it his best effort._

Barbossa: I'm not giving up, you numbskull. Ever walk across the sand, look back, and see your footsteps?

Gibbs: Uh, no.

_Pause._

Barbossa: Well, we're on a beach, so why don't you give it a whirl.

_Gibbs walks across the beach, then looks back and sees his footprints._

Gibbs: Oh hey, cool.

Barbossa: It's kinda like that. Except more idealistic.

_The shore party then notices that the HMS Providence is being attacked by mermaids._

Barbossa: Can't they keep it down? I can't hear myself think.

_Groves picks up a rock and flings it out to sea towards the commotion, then kinda staggers and almost falls down again._

Groves: Stupid mermaids! Leave them alone!

Barbossa: Groves, sit down before you hurt yourself.

Groves: No! I won't! I'm gonna save them!

_He half-runs, half-staggers into the water. Patherston and Wetherly-Raynnes catch him when he trips and gently lead him back to shore._

Groves: (muttering) Stupid mermaids.

_Gillette checks to make sure Groves still has the aspirin. For later._

Barbossa: Gibbs, give me that heading quick, before this gets any more out of control.

Gibbs: Fine. It's this way.

_He starts heading inland. Barbossa starts to follow, but his peg leg gets caught in a pile of seaweed and he trips. Patherston and Wetherly-Raynnes help him up, and then they all follow Gibbs. Gillette and Groves come next, sort of leaning on each other for support._

_Interestingly enough, this island just so happens to be haunted. Not in the traditional sense, like with poltergeists or malicious spirits, but by the ghost of Commodore/Pirate/Admiral Norrington and his companion, the ghost of Governor Swann. The ghosts have noticed the strange shore party and, having nothing better to do, they watch the party's progress._

Governor Swann: How odd. Two sets of visitors in less than two days.

Norrington: The other guys were more exciting. Whoever blew up the lighthouse deserves a medal.

Governor Swann: Does that man look familiar to you?

Norrington: Which man?

_Then he notices Gillette. Gillette notices him back, and freaks out and lets go of Groves. Groves falls over._

Gillette: COMMODORE! YOU'RE ALIVE!

Norrington: Of course I'm alive. Why wouldn't I be?

Gillette: But you died! I saw you!

Norrington: *sigh* I don't know what you're talking about, Gillette.

Gillette: On the _Flying Dutchman_, Bootstrap Bill stabbed you with a spear.

Norrington: I have no idea who that is. You're delusional, and I'm alive. What else is new?

_Groves manages to pull himself out of the sand._

Groves: Now I've got sand stuck to my lips! Gillette, who are you talking to?

Gillette: Why, the illustrious Commodore Norrington, of course.

Groves: I'm drunk and I still know you're talking nonsense.

Barbossa: Would you two quit goofing around? We've got a fountain to find!

Gillette: But Captain Barbossa, sir, I'm merely conversing with my long-lost friend, the illustrious Commodore Norrington!

Norrington: Admiral, technically.

Gibbs: Gillette, quit talking to that plant and keep walking.

Gillette: What plant? I'm talking to the Commodore.

Norrington: Admiral.

Barbossa: There's no one there. Come on.

Norrington: What? Can't you see me?

Governor Swann: Hello, pirates!

Gillette: I can see you!

_Apparently Gillette is the only one who can see the ghosts, though it's hard to tell with Groves, since he's so drunk he's probably seeing three of everybody anyway. Wetherly-Raynnes and Patherston drag Gillette away, and Gibbs helps Groves walk. Groves is still giving a confused frown to the leafy plant behind the ghosts._

Governor Swann: Stop staring! You're making me uncomfortable!

Norrington: That was weird. Let's follow them.

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, I know that this doesn't make any sense. But hopefully you enjoyed the appearance of the ghosts! Leave a review, and check back next week for another chapter. Oh, and congrats to everyone who recognized the Betrayer Seagull in the last chapter, from the Parlay scene in At Parody's End. ;)<strong>


	15. Excursions

**Excursions**

_Blackbeard leads his crew up a rocky hill. Four unfortunate guys are pulling Syrena's glass coffin in a little red wagon. Jack is blindfolded, gagged, and tied up with duct tape. Angelica is leading him and he is doing his best to keep up. He inevitably trips over a lump of sand and falls into Angelica, knocking her over and into Blackbeard, who falls and rolls down the hill very ungracefully._

_Angelica rolls her eyes and removes the blindfold, gag, and duct tape from Jack. They go down the hill to find Blackbeard. He's writing in the sand with a stick._

Blackbeard: Did you know that "WOW" is "MOM" upside-down? And "racecar" is the same spelled backwards and forwards. How mind-boggling is that?

Angelica: Dad, you've got sand in your hair.

Jack: Is all this nonsense really necessary?

Blackbeard: The blindfold is really more of a formality. Call me a traditionalist.

Jack: I wasn't talking about the blindfold.

Angelica: I'm not getting any younger here.

Jack: No kidding.

_As he says it, he drops to the ground and rolls to avoid being slapped. Angelica kicks sand at him instead. Jack stands up and consults his compass._

Jack: Well, there are some cool sight-seeing spots over there, and that way is some historical monument or other which might be neat to check out, and –

Angelica: Where is Ponce de Leon's ship?

Jack: That way.

Random Pirate Baggs: Does it say which way to the restrooms?

_Angelica starts off in the direction of the ship._

Jack: Okay, so we'll catch the tourist sites on the way back.

_He follows her, and so do the rest of the pirates, except for Baggs, who disappears behind a bush. After walking a little ways, they notice Blackbeard is not with them. Angelica rolls her eyes and goes back for him. He's staring intently off into the forest._

Angelica: Dad, come on. We're going after the Fountain.

Blackbeard: I'm trying to see that monument Jack mentioned. Do you think that's it there?

Angelica: He was making that up. Come on.

Jack: Was not!

Angelica: Yes you were!

_Now they start off towards the forest, for real this time. They end up in a swampy sort of thing with weeds and plants and such. Scrum is wearing water wings even though it's only like 3 ½ feet deep. He's helping three other pirates drag Syrena's wagon along._

Scrum: Is she really necessary?

Angelica: Yes, Scrum. For the nine-thousandth time. We need the tear of a mermaid.

Scrum: Wouldn't the tear be easier to carry if it weren't still attached to her face?

Angelica: Would it kill you to speak in statements like a person?

Scrum: Is it really worth the risk to find out?

Angelica: Is it worth the risk not to find out?

Scrum: Is that a threat?

Jack: Scrum, if I were you, I'd just shut up.

_Scrum does so accordingly._

Jack: Hey, Angelica, what's the deal with that ritual thing again?

Angelica: Weren't you listening?

Jack: Well, yes, but –

Angelica: *exasperated sigh* Men.

Jack: What was that?

Angelica: Nothing. Two silver chalices. One gets a mermaid tear, and the other doesn't.

Jack: What does the other one get?

Angelica: Nothing.

Jack: So there's an empty chalice and a chalice with a mermaid tear?

Angelica: Well, they both get water.

Jack: But you didn't say that.

Angelica: Water from the fountain should have been implied.

Jack: Your face is implied.

_Angelica deftly ignores his nonsensical comment._

Angelica: Anyway, whoever drinks the one with the tear in it gets all the years of life from the other person.

Jack: ANACONDA!

_Jack flips out as a water snake slithers by. Angelica rolls her eyes and picks it up._

Angelica: Relax.

Jack: It's trying to eat me!

_Angelica whips Jack in the face with the snake and then flings it off randomly into the jungle._

Jack: What were you saying about years and tears and such?

Blackbeard: You made a rhyme!

Angelica: You mean, what was I saying before you got scared of a harmless little snake? Just that whoever drinks from the chalice with the tear in it steals all the years of life from whoever drinks the other chalice. All the years they'd have had left, if they hadn't gotten suckered into drinking the chalice without the tear in it.

Jack: All right then.

_Pause._

Jack: And that snake wasn't little. It was going to eat me.

_It is implied that they continue their trek through the jungle, but we don't get to watch all of it, because that would probably be boring, though I guess we can't know for certain. Eventually they all stop for a break._

_Philip is washing his face in a random mini-stream. Jack is nearby, hopping on one foot trying to get a beetle out of his boot. Angelica trips him just to be mean, and Jack falls on his butt in the stream, splashing Philip in the eye._

Philip: Ow! What are you doing?

Jack: Sorry, there's a beetle in my boot.

Philip: I think you splashed algae in my eye.

Jack: Well, I didn't do it on purpose. And now my butt is wet.

_Philip blinks a bunch of times and then decides he's going to be okay._

Jack: Mind if I call you Phil?

Philip: You don't seem like the kind of person who cares whether I mind or not.

Jack: You might be smarter than I've been giving you credit for. Anyway, Phil, I was wondering, do you suppose you could put in a good word for me with the man upstairs? Just in case all this absurdity with the fountain and all ends badly.

Philip: You'll have to take that up with him.

Jack: We're not exactly on speaking terms. Ever since Christmas when I was 7 and I asked for a hot air balloon and a 1000-pack of giant water balloons…

Philip: Are you talking about Santa Claus?

Jack: Um, no… Wait, should I not be?

_Philip rolls his eyes, and as he does, he notices Syrena, in her tank thing on the wagon. She's gasping for air._

Philip: Hey, Quartermaster, the mermaid can't breathe.

Quartermaster: She has water.

Philip: Yeah, well, she's only half-fish, so she needs air too.

_He goes to the tank and tries to open it._

Philip: Somebody needs to open this.

Quartermaster: Nope. She'll escape.

Philip: Yeah, she's gonna swim away.

Jack: I agree with Phil!

Philip: It's not a point system, Jack.

Jack: Okay, but if it were, how many points would I have?

_Philip ignores Jack. He takes the Quartermaster's sword and pries the tank open. Syrena breathes through the crack in the tank lid._

Philip: Exhibit A.

_The Quartermaster isn't impressed. He takes his sword back. Philip sticks his hand in the crack to keep the lid open._

Quartermaster: Brilliant plan, prophet. You're just going to stay there until we get to the Fountain?

Philip: I'm not a prophet. I'm a missionary.

Jack: Here, let me help you. Notice how I'm not making any comments about how dumb that decision was.

_Jack takes Philip's Bible and sticks it in the crack, freeing Philip's hand._

Philip: It's still not a point system.

* * *

><p><strong>Hooray for another chapter of madness! I hope you liked this! More nonsense to come next weekend. :) Leave a review!<strong>


	16. Leap Day

**Leap Day**

_Jack whaps at some leaves with a sword, and then discovers a cliff face and a 1,000,001-foot drop-off._

Jack: Does anyone here know how to build a bridge?

Angelica: Why bother? You'd only burn it.

Jack: Ouch. Well, in that case, we're obviously not going to be making any progress going this way, so let's all just go back the way we came and find a part of the path we can follow without growing wings.

Angelica: But Ponce de Leon's ship is that way.

Jack: Yeah, so is the edge of a cliff.

Angelica: We don't have time to go all the way around.

Jack: Just like the producers to write in a time-crunch. Whose idea was it to bring the stupid mermaid?

Angelica: I think that was the producers, too.

Jack: And the mutiny?

Angelica: No, that was all you.

Jack: You walk like a girl.

Angelica: That's just genetics.

Jack: Well, you're not the captain, which means you're not the boss of me.

Angelica: Right, like Blackbeard's going to side with you over me.

Jack: Stranger things have happened.

Angelica: Hey, Blackbeard, we need you to make an executive decision.

_No response. Angelica frowns and searches the group of pirates for Blackbeard. He's standing like two feet away from her, gazing up at a tree._

Angelica: Blackbeard?

Blackbeard: Did you see that bird?

Angelica: No. What bird?

Blackbeard: Oh. Well, it looked angry.

Angelica: That's nice. We need you. Have you been listening at all?

Blackbeard: Oh, sorry. I think I spaced out for a while. What were you talking about?

Angelica: *sigh* What's the last thing you remember hearing?

_Blackbeard thinks hard for like five minutes._

Blackbeard: I think the last thing I remember is you hit Jack in the face with a snake.

_Pause._

Angelica: Seriously?

Blackbeard: And someone made a rhyme. "Years" and "tears."

Angelica: *facepalm* I'm not repeating everything. Just look it up in the script later. Right now we're stopped because there's a ravine in our way and the bridge is a fail.

Scrum: Have you considered tightrope walking?

Angelica: No, but now I'm considering stabbing you.

Blackbeard: So what's the problem here?

Angelica: We don't have time to go around. Make Jack listen to me.

Blackbeard: How old are you two? Obviously someone has to go get the chalices. The rest of us will go around. We can kill two pigs with one bird in half the time.

_Pause._

Angelica: You've been waiting all day to use that analogy, haven't you?

_Blackbeard looks immensely proud of himself._

Angelica: Right. So we're splitting up.

Jack: Someone's gotta jump down there? Sucker.

Blackbeard: I vote Jack.

Angelica: For what? Most likely to jump down there, steal the chalices, and never be seen again?

Jack: For once she speaks the truth.

Angelica: For once, so does he. I'll go after the chalices, father.

_She gets a running start to jump off the cliff, but Blackbeard stops her._

Blackbeard: Jack, how much farther to the Fountain?

_Jack consults the compass._

Jack: A day's march north following the river, you'll come to a series of pools, and then you're close.

_Pause._

Blackbeard: Okay, one more time, slower.

Jack: For real? Okay. Go north. Follow the river. After a day, you'll find some pools. With water in them. That's close.

_Pause._

Blackbeard: So after we go north, then what?

Angelica: Never mind, I'll remember.

Blackbeard: That's why I keep you around.

Angelica: Ha ha.

Blackbeard: No, seriously, it is.

_He steals the compass from Jack._

Blackbeard: Bon voyage!

_The Quartermaster points his sword at Jack and Jack goes to the edge of the cliff and looks down at the river all 1,000,001 feet below. (That's 189.4 miles, approximately, or about the distance between Thermopolis, WY and Hesper, MT.)_

Jack: You know that feeling you get sometimes when you're standing in a high place, like vertigo so bad you think you're going to throw up? …I have it.

_He backs away from the edge and staggers into Angelica. She catches him before he falls over._

Angelica: What's the matter with you? You jumped off the lighthouse, didn't you?

Jack: I said I wasn't doing that again. And anyway, that was different.

Angelica: How was that different?

Jack: Well, for one, it was on fire, so I didn't really have much of a choice. Two, it exploded behind me and therefore was a million times more epic than this could ever be. Three –

Angelica: Dad, why don't you just push him?

_But Blackbeard is staring off at a cloud._

Blackbeard: What does that cloud look like to you?

Angelica: A cloud, Dad.

Blackbeard: I think it looks like a narwhal.

Jack: There's no such thing.

Blackbeard: I thought you left. Why are you still here?

Jack: Because no one in their right mind would leap off that cliff.

_Pause._

Angelica: So what's the problem?

Blackbeard: Jack, if you don't jump off that cliff, I'll shoot you in the face.

Jack: I'd prefer that to being splattered to death on some random rock.

Blackbeard: Or I could shoot Angelica.

_He points his pistol at her._

Jack: Yeah, okay, like you're really going to shoot her.

Blackbeard: Okay, I guess we're going to do this the hard way. Time for some pirate roulette.

Jack: That's not a thing.

Blackbeard: Quartermaster, bring me six more pistols, and remove the shot from all but two, but don't tell me which two.

Jack: Oh for the love of – This is going to take forever, isn't it? I thought we were running out of time.

_He jumps off the cliff to avoid a long, drawn-out gamble with pistols and such. He wails as he falls, and splashes into the water. A narwhal is swimming in the river, and it catches Jack and swims him to the surface. Yes, narwhals are, in fact, real._

Jack: Go figure.

Angelica: Jerk! You didn't say good-bye to me!

_She throws the voodoo doll down at him in anger._

Philip: Well, in his defense, he was a little preoccupied. And he did save your life, sorta.

Angelica: Shut up, prophet.

Philip: I'm not a… *sigh* I give up.

Quartermaster: Enough chit-chat, let's move on.

Angelica: Good work, Dad. You're distracted and oblivious, but you're good at making empty threats.

Blackbeard: Yes. Empty threats.

Angelica: Wait, what?

Blackbeard: Come on, Angelica, you're the one who was complaining about wasting time.

_They move on._

* * *

><p><strong>I am particularly fond of this chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it too. :) Next week, tune in for my extended version of Barbossa's crew trekking through the forest, which I have made "haunted" by our friends the ghosts!<strong>


	17. The Haunted Forest

**The Haunted Forest**

_Barbossa and Gibbs trek through the jungle, followed by Gillette and Groves, as well as the two sailors X. Randalf Wetherly-Raynnes and Herman K. Patherston, who are all being followed by the two ghosts. _

Gillette: Are we there yet?

Barbossa: No. Shut up.

_Groves is just a little hungover. And by just a little hungover, I mean he's puking behind a bush because he drank way too much rum._

Groves: I don't think the rum was a good idea.

Gillette: You were terribly inebriated, my friend.

Groves: I haven't been that drunk since Will's bachelor party.

Governor Swann: Will had a bachelor party? I didn't know about that…

Barbossa: I heard that party.

Gillette: Don't you mean you heard _about_ the party?

Barbossa: No, I heard it. You're a terrible singer.

_Gillette pouts._

Groves: You heard us? From the dead?

Barbossa: Yeah, and I'm really sorry I had to miss it, but I was dead at the time.

Groves: That's a pretty good excuse.

_He takes some aspirin because his head is killing him._

Norrington: Hey, where did that come from?

Gillette: I invented it, Commodore, sir, for you, actually. Don't you remember? I showed it to you first, right before… before…

_Gillette sorta chokes on his words as he remembers seeing Norrington get shanked and die._

Norrington: Before…?

Gillette: Right before you died, sir.

Barbossa: Gillette, who are you talking to?

Norrington: Governor, remind me to have Gillette committed to the infirmary when we return to Port Royal. He's clearly suffering from some sort of delusion.

Governor Swann: Um… Right.

Gillette: I'm not crazy!

Groves: Gillette, if you shout in my ear again, I'm going to duct tape your mouth shut.

_Gillette pouts, but he shuts up and they keep walking in silence._

Gibbs: Well, this is dreary. How 'bout a song? *sings* 600,000 bottles of rum on the wall, 600,000 bottles of rum…!

Norrington: Shut up or sing on key!

Gibbs: Take one down, pass it around, 599,999 bottles of rum on the wall!

Groves: Shut up or sing on key!

_Gibbs pouts but does so accordingly._

Norrington: Thank you, Lieutenant.

_Groves obviously doesn't respond to Norrington, because he can't see or hear the ghosts._

Gillette: Theodore, aren't you going to tell the Commodore about the new rank you made up for yourself?

Groves: Gillette, two things. First of all, Lieutenant-Commander is a perfectly legitimate rank, one that is higher than yours, I might add. And secondly, I know the Commodore's death was traumatic for you, but denial is not the answer.

Gillette: I'm not in denial. I know he died. But he's miraculously come back to life.

Barbossa: Gillette, nobody cares about your imaginary friend.

Norrington: Imaginary!

Governor Swann: Now, James, let's not get angry…

_Norrington pouts because everybody thinks he's dead. Which he is, so…_

Wetherly-Raynnes: I haven't had an imaginary friend since I was five.

Gillette: Shut up, Xavier.

Wetherly-Raynnes: My name isn't Xavier.

_Confused pause._

Groves: But I thought your first initial was…

Wetherly-Raynnes: Yeah, and…?

Groves: …nothing.

Gibbs: Does anyone else feel like this forest is haunted?

Groves: I feel like my head's going to explode.

Gillette: Are we there yet?

Barbossa: Okay, enough. First one to shut up gets 600 points.

_Technically Norrington wins, but since he's technically dead, it doesn't technically matter. So Groves gets the points. Gibbs would have won, but he stepped on a gopher and the gopher startled him, and he kind of made a startled sound. And Gillette, well, is Gillette. So they all walk in silence for a while._

Barbossa: Stop!

_Everyone stops._

Barbossa: Gibbs, hold still. Gillette, where's that jar and those tongs I gave you?

_Pause._

Gillette: Captain Barbossa, sir, on behalf of myself I would like to humbly apologize and seek mercy in advance for what I am about to tell you –

Norrington & Barbossa: Here we go again.

Groves: Don't worry, I've got them.

_He holds up the jar and the tongs. Barbossa gives Gillette the look of, "You are are the luckiest man alive right now." Groves gives Gillette the look of, "You owe me big."_

Barbossa: Sweet. From now on you are Groves, Keeper of the Tongs.

Groves: I think I prefer Lieutenant-Commander.

Barbossa: Suit yourself, Keeper of the Tongs.

_Barbossa takes the tongs. He plucks a multi-colored frog off of Gibbs' shoulder and puts it in the jar._

Barbossa: Gotta be careful with those suckers. Don't want to let them touch your skin.

Patherston: Oh.

_Pause._

Patherston: So, is it bad that I licked one?

Barbossa: What do you think, Sherlock?

_Patherston dies._

Barbossa: Right. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you.

Norrington: Why on earth would you lick a frog anyway?

Governor Swann: I wouldn't.

Gillette: Hey, Theodore.

Groves: What, Gillette? And why are we all of the sudden using everyone's first name? I kind of like the way "Lieutenant-Commander Groves" sounds.

Norrington: You're being a bit pompous, don't you think?

Governor Swann: I don't think you have much room to talk, James.

Norrington: It's Admiral.

Governor Swann: Exactly.

Gillette: Well, anyway, Theodore, I was just thinking. If you can give yourself a cool new title, I think I should get one too.

Norrington: This I cannot wait to hear.

Gillette: From now on, I'm going to be Major-Lieutenant-General Philip James Gillette.

Groves: Your middle name is James?

Norrington: *eyeroll* Yes. He had it legally changed.

Gillette: I most certainly did, sir, as I've been told that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and you, sir, being the illustrious Commodore Norrington, deserve all the flattery man can give.

Norrington: I feel more creeped-out than flattered.

Groves: That's creepy.

Gillette: Is not!

Norrington: You do realize there are no Generals or Majors of any kind in the Navy, right?

Groves: I'm not calling you by that ridiculous title.

Gillette: Why not? You use yours!

Groves: How 'bout I call you Andrew?

Gillette: That doesn't make any sense.

Barbossa: Your face doesn't make any sense.

Gibbs: 600,000 bottles of rum on the wall, 600,000 bottles of rum…!

Governor Swann: Oh, dear, not that irritating song again…

Norrington: I could drink about 600,000 bottles of rum right now.

Gillette: Are we there yet?

Barbossa: No.

Gillette: When are we going to get there?

Groves: Not soon enough.

* * *

><p><strong>Hooray for the navy guys and the haunted forest! ;) Hope you guys liked this. Yeah, I know the scene was only like five seconds long in the movie, but this is so much more fun.<strong>


	18. Monikers and Legends and Such

**Monikers and Legends and Such**

_Jack charges through the forest, using his sword like a machete to clear the way. He nearly gets eaten by an oversized Venus fly trap, but vanquishes the foe just in time. Then he encounters a sleeping wildebeest, but he just leaps over it hurdle-style. Next a low-flying airplane runs out of gas and plummets towards the earth, heading on course to squish Jack, but everybody remembers just in time that airplanes haven't been invented yet._

_Jack comes to a beach and sees a ship sitting on top of a cliff._

Jack: I'll spare everyone the history lesson. You can just go ahead and assume that this is Ponce de Leon's ship, the ship this entire movie is written about, because it is. It's called the _Santiago_, for those of you who aren't so historically-inclined.

Random Seagull: I thought you said you were going to spare us the history lesson.

Jack: Technicalities.

_The bird flies away. Jack frowns up at the ship on the cliff._

Jack: No wonder he shipwrecked if he was trying to sail up there instead of on the ocean. Sucker.

_Jack continues onward towards the ship._

_Meanwhile, Blackbeard and everyone are still trekking. The wagon is rolling along without any trouble, until a rabbit with sharp pointy teeth bites one of its wheels, and then it tips over on its side. The glass cage falls out and smashes into bits, dropping Syrena onto the ground. Her fish-tail magically becomes legs._

Quartermaster: Whoops, hey, Blackbeard, wait a minute, we got a situation.

Angelica: Oh my gosh, what now?

_She turns around and sees Syrena curled up naked in the grass._

Angelica: Oh.

_Scrum covers Lenny's eyes. Philip takes off his shirt and vest, and puts the shirt around Syrena. Scrum covers Angelica's eyes, but she threatens to shoot him and he quits._

Quartermaster: Well, we're not stopping, so someone had better come up with a remedy for this.

Scrum: Why don't you remedy it?

_Scrum shuts up when the Quartermaster points a pistol at his face._

Angelica: Captain Blackbeard, I think this is your cue to step in with a timely remedy.

_Pause. Everyone looks around to see what's distracted Blackbeard this time, but they don't see him._

Angelica: Oh you have got to be freaking kidding me. He's wandered off. Everybody, split up. First one to find Blackbeard gets twelve points.

Scrum: Twelve?

Angelica: Just search.

_The pirates do. Except for Philip, who's trying to figure out the best way to wear his vest so that he doesn't look like Aladdin. Scrum earns the twelve points when he finds Blackbeard sitting on a rock, staring intently down at the ground._

Scrum: Captain Blackbeard, what are you looking at?

Blackbeard: *sigh* Aren't they amazing?

Scrum: What's amazing?

Blackbeard: These ants. It's mind-boggling how one tiny little bug can carry that giant leaf that's like eight times the size of his entire body. Look at them all! There's probably at least fourteen of them!

_Angelica hears them talking and finds them._

Angelica: Dad, what are you doing back here? We almost left you behind.

Blackbeard: What? Leaving a man behind? You all ought to be keel-hauled for this!

Angelica: Okay, Dad, chill. First of all, no one was leaving you behind. You wandered off. And second, technically the code says that any man who falls behind is left behind. And third, we'd need to be on a ship for keel-hauling, so if you really want to kill anyone you're going to have to pay attention long enough to aim a pistol at them and pull the trigger.

_Pause._

Blackbeard: I knew you were my daughter.

Angelica: Yeah. Well, come on up here. We've got a bit of a situation that needs handling.

_They return to where Syrena is still mostly naked and sitting on the ground, and Philip is mostly not naked and standing next to her._

Scrum: Has Aladdin been travelling with us this whole time?

Philip: I'm not Aladdin.

Blackbeard: Where did the mermaid go?

Syrena: Right here.

Blackbeard: *looks around frantically* Where? I don't see any mermaid! *gasp* She must've swam away!

Syrena: And how, exactly, would that work? Hmm?

Blackbeard: Who are you, anyway? Have you been with us this whole time?

_Angelica rolls her eyes and gives Blackbeard the explanation that would have been unnecessary had he not spent so much time looking at ants._

Blackbeard: Whoa. So mermaids are like, magic.

Everyone: *facepalm*

Blackbeard: Well, sweet. Now that the mermaid can walk on her own, we should make much better time. Last one to the fountain is a rotten egg! Except for you, Scrum. You're a rotten egg anyway.

_Scrum pouts._

_Philip helps Syrena stand up and she tries to walk, but she hasn't quite got the hang of how legs work and she falls on her face._

Syrena: This is a fail.

Blackbeard: You have five seconds to learn to walk or you're getting axed.

Baggs: But we didn't bring an –

Blackbeard: Shut up, it's just an expression.

Scrum: Wouldn't killing her be a bit counter-productive at this point?

Blackbeard: Do you ever stop asking questions?

Scrum: Was that a rhetorical –

Blackbeard: Wait. Aladdin, how long have you been here?

Philip: I'm not Aladdin!

Blackbeard: You look a lot like that prophet guy. Where did he go, anyway…?

Philip: I'm not a prophet either!

_Philip kneels next to Syrena._

Philip: Put your arms around me.

Syrena: Eew, what kind of girl do you think I am?

Philip: A wet, naked, helpless one who would be stupid not to let me carry her. Savvy?

Syrena: Well when you put it that way…

_Philip picks her up_.

Philip: We're in a hurry, right? So maybe we'd better get going.

Blackbeard: Wouldn't it be easier just to put her on your magic carpet?

_Blackbeard laughs at his lame joke and starts leading the group through the jungle some more. The trekking continues for a while until the pirates come to some fabulously enormous trees. _

Angelica: Hold here until I say!

Baggs: Yes, your majesty.

Angelica: Say that again and you'll never hold anything again, if you know what I mean.

_Philip sets Syrena down on a large gnarled root that makes quite a convenient chair._

Philip: You know, you're not bad-looking, for a man-eating devil-fish.

Syrena: Devil-fish? Are you serious?

Philip: Okay, half-fish. But you did attack me.

Syrena: Aren't we making some rash assumptions.

Philip: Wait, what?

_Pause while he replays the incident in his mind._

Syrena: You're not like the others.

Philip: Yeah, I have been trying to protect you.

Syrena: I sort of meant you're not the action-hero type, but I guess I'm grateful for the shirt.

Philip: So you were trying to save me from that burning chunk of falling lighthouse?

Syrena: Trying? Succeeding is more like it.

Blackbeard: Everybody! Look over there!

_Everybody rushes to look._

Angelica: What is it? Is it the Fountain?

Blackbeard: Huh? No, look. That rock over there looks exactly like a basset hound licking a chinchilla.

Scrum: What the heck is a chinchilla?

Baggs: Which tree are we looking at again?

Blackbeard: *points* That one.

Baggs: I still don't see it.

Lenny: It looks more like the chinchilla is licking the basset hound, if you ask me.

Angelica: Cool. Guess how much this matters?

_Blackbeard looks at her expectantly._

Angelica: Diddly squat. We are, however, close to the Fountain. So let's keep moving, huh?

Blackbeard: What Fountain?

_Instead of facepalming, Angelica just starts walking. Scrum and Baggs follow her._

Blackbeard: Hey, Aladdin, prophet, whoever you are. Bring the creature and blindfold it.

Philip: She has a name!

_Whoosh as everyone turns at once to stare at him expectantly._

Blackbeard: Wait. The mermaid's a she?

Syrena: *facepalm*

Blackbeard: Wow, this is awkward. I've been thinking of it as "Roger" in my head all this time.

Angelica: Are you for real? She's naked. And who names a mermaid "Roger" anyway?

Blackbeard: Well, what would you name it?

Angelica: I don't know. Ariel or something.

Philip: That's the dumbest name for a mermaid ever.

Syrena: Hey! My mother's name was – !

Angelica: Fine. What would you name her?

Philip: Well, she's like one of the sirens from the Odyssey, but she's much more peaceful than the others. Serene, if you will. So, for the sake of a quirky spelling, let's call her Syrena.

Angelica: Fine, well, bring Syrena and let's quit wasting daylight.

_Philip picks up Syrena and follows Angelica._

* * *

><p><strong>Here's another chapter! It's up a few hours early because I wasn't sure I'd get around to it tomorrow, and I didn't think you'd mind. :) Leave a review - they're always much appreciated!<strong>


	19. Epic TeeterTotter

**Epic Teeter-Totter**

_Jack steps into the cabin of the Santiago. It's all dark and eerie in there. The skeleton in the bed certainly adds to this effect._

Jack: Ugh, I hate Halloween.

_Barbossa appears out of the shadows._

Barbossa: You know Halloween isn't until October.

Jack: Well you're certainly scary enough.

Barbossa: Never mind.

Jack: What are you doing here anyway?

Barbossa: No, what are you doing here?

Jack: No, what are YOU doing here?

Barbossa: No, what ARE you doing here?

Jack: No, what are YOU doing here?

Skeleton: Oh, dear, not this again…

Barbossa: I was here first. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Jack: Your face would weep if it ever saw itself.

Barbossa: Your mom would weep if she found out you weren't adopted.

Jack: Your mom's face would weep when she found out your face wasn't adopted.

Barbossa: My face WAS adopted, so there!

_Wait, what?_

Barbossa: What are you doing here?

Jack: Blackbeard sent me. Why are you here?

Barbossa: Mostly because I like teeter-totters. Watch this!

_He leaps forward and the whole ship tilts. Objects slide across the floor and such. Then he scoots back and the ship balances out._

Jack: Oh, crap, I always get sick on teeter-totters.

Barbossa: Sucks to be you.

_Jack tries to steal Barbossa's crutch, but the ship starts tilting around again and a box slides out from under the bed. It's labeled, "CHALISIZ."_

Jack: If that's an attempt to disguise that box, it isn't working.

Barbossa: Even worse, I think it's labeled properly, but spelled wrong.

Jack: Ouch.

_Barbossa steps backwards making the box slide towards him._

Jack: Hey, why do you get to look first?

Barbossa: Fine.

_They switch sides, more tilting, more rocking, until Jack puts his foot on top of the box and strikes a Captain Morgan pose. Then Barbossa trips over a stale muffin and falls, making the ship tilt again, and he and Jack both roll across the floor and get pinned against a wall._

Jack: Ugh, I don't think I should have eaten that third cupcake.

Barbossa: You got cupcakes?

Jack: Don't remind me, I'm already nauseous.

_The box comes sliding towards them, and Jack kicks it back to the middle of the ship. Jack and Barbossa crawl to it and grab it at the same time._

Jack & Barbossa: Together!

_Pause._

Jack: Aw, I think we just had a moment!

Barbossa: Shut up and open the box or I'll give you the most epic teeter-totter ride ever.

_Jack opens the box dramatically, but instead of chalices, he finds two large rocks inside._

Jack: AHH! THE ROCKS ARE STILL FOLLOWING ME!

Barbossa: Or Gonzalez got here first. Jerk.

Jack: You're just jealous because his hat is more fabulous than yours.

Barbossa: Take it back!

Jack: Nah, let's look at that map instead.

_They plop down on the bed on either side of the skeleton._

Barbossa: Hey, this is comfy. Is this mattress memory foam?

_Jack is more interested in the map._

Jack: Why would they leave this behind? Morons. Probably couldn't read it because it's in French.

Barbossa: That's Spanish.

Jack: What? Really?

Barbossa: Yes, really, and since it's the Spanish who've been here ahead of us, they probably knew that.

Jack: Losers.

_He starts to take the map, but the skeleton turns and looks at him._

Skeleton: Da hang, son?

Barbossa: Don't touch the map.

Jack: Why? What's he gonna do?

Barbossa: Do you really wanna find out? Remember what happened to me last time I took cursed treasure?

Jack: So not my problem.

_But he leaves the map alone._

Barbossa: If you were the Spanish, where would you make camp?

Jack: In Spain.

Barbossa: No, moron, where on this map would you make camp?

Jack: Oh.

_He studies the map, thinking hard._

Barbossa: Never mind. It'd be this spot right here, free RV parking. Let's go.

_Groves, Gillette, and Wetherly-Raynnes are sitting on the ground in the jungle, waiting for Barbossa to return. The ghosts, of course, are nearby._

Gillette: I'm bored.

Groves: Too bad the rum is gone.

Wetherly-Raynnes: And whose fault is that?

Groves: Yours for not bringing enough.

Gillette: Does anybody want some Nutter-Butters?

_Pause._

Groves: Where did you get those?

Wetherly-Raynnes: Yeah, why would you bring Nutter-Butters into the jungle?

Groves: Have Nutter-Butters even been invented yet?

Norrington: Oh, don't start that again.

Gillette: I didn't bring them. I found them in Patherston's pocket.

Groves: You searched his pockets?

Gillette: Well, yeah. I mean, he doesn't really need these anymore, so I thought maybe –

Wetherly-Raynnes: What else did you find?

Gillette: Well, I found the Nutter-Butters, obviously, and twelve thimbles, and a picture of his mom, and –

Groves: I think the real question is, why did Patherston bring Nutter-Butters into the jungle, and where did he get them?

Norrington: I have half a mind to commandeer this entire operation and put a stop to this nonsense.

Gillette: I don't think you can do that, Commodore. Would you like a Nutter-Butter instead?

_He tries to hand Norrington a Nutter-Butter, but since Norrington is a ghost, the Nutter-Butter just falls through his hand and plops onto the ground. A nearby raccoon eats it._

Groves: Great. Now that raccoon is going to follow us everywhere.

Wetherly-Raynnes: I kinda like raccoons…

_Norrington is staring at his hand in horror._

Norrington: What just happened?

Governor Swann: Uh… I don't know how to tell you this, but –

_He is interrupted when Barbossa returns with Jack. Jack and Barbossa creep through the bushes, and Gibbs comes up behind them._

Gibbs: Captain Barbossa, I got you your BLT. I told them to go easy on the Mayo, but the kid in the back wasn't really paying attention.

_He hands Barbossa a sandwich. Barbossa inspects it._

Barbossa: Was it Perry or Alfonse who took the order this time?

Gibbs: Perry.

Barbossa: Oh, well that's okay then. Alfonse always gives me a little extra lettuce, but Perry does all right. As long as it wasn't Rachavel.

Gibbs: The blonde chick?

Barbossa: Yeah, who always puts the bread together inside-out?

Gibbs: Yeah, her. She dated my cousin for a while.

Barbossa: You have a cousin?

Gibbs: Had.

Barbossa: Oh.

_Pause. They notice Jack standing there awkwardly and staring at them._

Jack: I don't suppose you've got a sandwich for me.

Gibbs: Uh, sorry, I wasn't expecting you.

Jack: Clearly.

_Barbossa starts eating his sandwich, shooting smug looks at Jack as he does._

Jack: Guess who just forfeited his "First Mate of the Year" nomination.

Gibbs: Fine, but in all fairness, you haven't exactly been "Captain of the Year" material lately, either.

Jack: Lies. I was actually just on my way to break you out of jail.

Gibbs: And I'm a partridge in a pear tree.

Jack: Obviously, because only a bird-brain would steal my map. Jerk.

_Jack flicks Gibbs in the nose. Barbossa finishes his sandwich and licks the Mayo off his fingers._

Barbossa: If you two are done here, we can move forward with the mission now.

Jack: We were really just waiting on you, but sure.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry this update is late! Hope you enjoyed it. :) The "partridge in a pear tree" line is something I stole from a friend... and the Nutter Butters, well, my brother tossed me one and I snatched it out of the air like a boss. Whatever. Leave a review. :)<strong>


	20. Sob Stories

**Sob Stories**

_Blackbeard and his crew find themselves amongst some pools._

Blackbeard: I feel like these pools are significant for some reason. Like, I think I've heard something about pools recently, the kind with water in them.

Angelica: *sigh*

_Blackbeard shines his torch around and finds some mermaid skeletons._

Blackbeard: Sweet, just in time for Halloween.

Lenny: But it isn't Halloween…

_Gunner puts Syrena into one of the pools and ties her to a tree. The Quartermaster tries to dramatically pull the hood off her head, but it gets caught on her nose and then he remembers to untie it first._

Blackbeard: Behold!

_Beckett turns in his (watery) grave when he realizes just how absurd that exclamation really sounds._

Syrena: Right, and what, exactly, am I to behold?

Blackbeard: Totally sucks to be a mermaid, you know why? Because you get to roast in the sun and not drown in this water, both at the same time. If you don't give us a tear, you're going to die.

Syrena: I'm not immortal, you know.

Blackbeard: Guys, the mermaid's being stubborn. We've gotta make her cry somehow.

Ezekiel: Me first!

_He walks dramatically over to Syrena and kneels in front of her._

Ezekiel: Dead puppies.

_Scrum and Lenny start crying. Blackbeard fights tears._

Syrena: I'm really more of a cat person.

Salaman: That reminds me! One time, I was walking down the street on my way to get a haircut, and there was this pet store on the way with a picture of a cat on the door. And someone had drawn a mustache on the cat, so I added a beard. Which is funny, because I was on the way to get my hair cut.

Syrena: Now that story was pretty sad.

Blackbeard: Oh! That reminds me of another story! Speaking of doors, I walked into my cabin the other day and saw a mouse. And at first I was annoyed that my ship was infested with vermin, but then I decided the little guy was kinda cute, and so I named him Bob.

Syrena: Saddest name for a mouse, ever.

_But she's still not crying._

Blackbeard: Clearly this isn't working. We need a new plan. I remember one time I stubbed my toe, and it hurt a lot and I cried. We could try stubbing her toe.

Everyone: *eyeroll*

Blackbeard: What? It's a good suggestion.

Angelica: Even if it was a good suggestion, she doesn't have any toes.

Blackbeard: I don't hear you offering anything better.

Philip: Yeah, he has a point. What do you have to say about all this?

Angelica: Let's sleep on it.

Blackbeard: What, and wait for the sun to cook her? No, let's build a giant bonfire.

Scrum: Can we make s'mores?

Philip: No!

Scrum: You don't like s'mores?

Philip: No, I mean, I won't let you torture her!

Blackbeard: Right. Because you're such an action hero.

Philip: I take back what I said about how your soul could be saved.

Blackbeard: Oh, so now I'm screwed?

Philip: Yeah. You're pretty much going to the warm place.

Blackbeard: Awesome. I can show off my new bikini.

Philip: And that's what will make it hell for everyone else.

Blackbeard: That's not very nice.

Philip: But lying is a sin.

_A piece of paper falls out of Philip's pocket._

Blackbeard: Hey, what's that?

_Angelica picks up the paper and reads it._

Angelica: It's a love letter. From the prophet to the mermaid. Oh, gross, it's a poem.

Ezekiel: Read it out loud!

Angelica: Here goes. "Roses are red, London is a city, I'm really sexy and I think you're pretty."

_Scrum pees himself laughing._

Philip: It's not finished yet.

Lenny: Ooh, you _like_ her!

Philip: Shut up.

Lenny: *sings* Philip and Syrena, sitting in the sea, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Philip: What are you, twelve?

Lenny: And three quarters.

Angelica: Well, Captain Blackbeard, how about that. The prophet is in love with the mermaid.

_Pause._

Angelica: Blackbeard? Hello…?

Blackbeard: Huh? What? Did you say you found a quarter?

Angelica: What? No. We were talking about this love note.

Blackbeard: You found a love note?

Angelica: Yeah, Dad. You pointed it out to me like two minutes ago.

Blackbeard: I did?

Angelica: Yes. You were like, "What's that?" and I found this paper.

Blackbeard: Oh, I was talking about that over there.

_He points to a rock partially hidden under a fern and behind a tree root._

Scrum: What's so cool about that rock?

Blackbeard: It kind of looks like a butt.

_Lenny giggles._

Angelica: *facepalm* Okay, well, we found a love note, from the prophet to the mermaid. Apparently he fancies her.

Blackbeard: You fancy her? Well fancy that!

Everyone: *groan*

Blackbeard: Okay, so now the question is, does she fancy you?

_Syrena makes the Mercer face. If you don't know what that is, go read my Pirates 3 parody._

Blackbeard: Dude, she totally does! Guys we got a love story on our hands! Okay, mermaid, give me a tear, or your boyfriend gets the kibosh.

_The Quartermaster captures Philip._

Angelica: Dad, you have to stop.

Blackbeard: Threatening people?

Angelica: Well, that too, but I meant you have to stop saying stuff like "behold" and "kibosh." It makes you sound like Beckett.

Scrum: How would you know that?

Angelica: How would you know if I wouldn't?

Blackbeard: Oh, shush.

Philip: Syrena, if you don't mind, I'm about to be "kiboshed," whatever that is…

Syrena: I wouldn't worry, I'm pretty sure that's not a thing.

_Blackbeard hands a knife to the Quartermaster and nods. The Quartermaster moves to slit Philip's throat but stops and frowns at the knife._

Blackbeard: What are you waiting for?

Quartermaster: This knife doesn't have a blade.

Blackbeard: Oh, sorry, I gave you my pretend knife. Just let me find the real one… Now where did I put it?

Quartermaster: You know, I'll just use mine.

_Philip gets "kiboshed" (but not really, but we don't know that yet.) He plops over and faceplants in the dirt. Syrena still doesn't cry._

Blackbeard: Mermaid, you've got a heart of stone.

Syrena: At least I have a heart.

Scrum: Ooh, need some ice for that burn?

Angelica: Shut up, Scrum, or we'll use the ice to preserve your dead body.

_A bat flies overhead and Blackbeard looks up at it, and while he's distracted he trips over Philip._

Blackbeard: Will someone move him, please? He's right in my walk zone!

_The Quartermaster drags Philip away to a random ditch._

Angelica: Come on, Dad, we'll finish this in the morning.

Blackbeard: My, you're confident.

Angelica: I'm female. Therefore I'm right.

* * *

><p><strong>Here's your weekly update! I can't believe we're getting near the end.<strong>


	21. Ninja Mode

**Ninja Mode**

_Jack, Gibbs, and the dapper gents of the HMS Providence are trudging through the jungle at night._

Gibbs: Jack, I'm confused.

Jack: Up is that way.

_He points to the sky._

Gibbs: Oh, thanks.

_Pause._

Jack: That's not really what you were confused about, was it?

Gibbs: No. I'm actually wondering why you're in cahoots with Blackbeard.

Jack: Oh, that. Yeah, I'm a little confused about that too. Women tend to do that to any situation.

Gibbs: There's a woman involved?

Jack: No, there's a damsel. A distressing one.

Gibbs: You're rescuing a damsel in distress?

Jack: No, the damsel is distressed.

Gibbs: You don't really seem the shoulder-to-cry-on type.

Jack: I'm not. That was the problem.

Gibbs: No, the problem is you're saying too many words and not enough backstory.

Jack: Ugh, fine. You're so nosy. I used to know this girl, pretended to, and, or, actually may have almost actually loved her, then left her and broke her heart.

Gibbs: That's a tool move.

Jack: Yeah. Thanks for that.

_They all creep up to some bushes outside the Spanish camp. Barbossa ducks and shushes everyone._

Jack: Okay, since I'm the most ninja of all of us, I think I'll just sneak into camp by myself and snatch the chalices.

Barbossa: Two things. First of all, Wetherly-Raynnes is way more ninja than you. His great-great-great grandmother kissed a Samuri once, so I think that counts. Seond, I'm coming with you.

Jack: You? You're not stealthy at all! Everytime you take a step it sounds like a tree being felled.

Barbossa: Groves, stay here until I give you the signal.

Gibbs: Yep, it'll sound something like this.

_He does an owl call._

Barbossa: No it most certainly will not.

Groves: Right, so, what's the signal?

_Pause._

Groves: You forgot to come up with a signal.

Barbossa: No I didn't. It's a surprise. You'll know it when you see it. Or hear it. Or smell it, I guess.

_Barbossa and Jack start off towards the camp._

Groves: Great. I hate surprises.

_Barbossa and Jack are creepin' through the forest and spying on the Spanish camp. Gonzalez is sitting at a table under a tent, drinking out of a large goblet._

Barbossa: That goblet looks suspiciously chalice-like.

Jack: I wonder what he's drinking…

Barbossa: Just draw your sword.

_They both draw their swords and crouch in the bushes._

Jack: Your sword doesn't smell like a sword.

Barbossa: And how, exactly, is a sword supposed to smell?

Jack: Not like that. Is it wearing perfume?

Barbossa: No, actually, something much more manly and piratey. Toad guts. Poisonous toad guts, so I wouldn't try licking it if I were you.

Jack: Why would I lick your sword?

Barbossa: I don't know. Weirder things have happened.

Jack: Yeah, like your face.

Barbossa: Let's not start that now. If you get me started, I won't be able to stop and then we'll be here all night.

_He stands up and starts squinting around and counting trees and testing the wind._

Jack: What in heaven's name are you doing?

Barbossa: Planning an escape route. Isn't that how you do it?

Jack: A magician never reveals his secrets.

Barbossa: Wait, you use magic? That hardly seems fair. Do you have a fairy godmother?

Jack: *facepalm* Just come with me.

_Gonzalez is sitting at his table, drawing pictures of cats on the backs of all his maps and drinking hot chocolate out of one of the chalices. The other one is full of mini-marshmallows. Gonzalez takes a sip of hot chocolate, then frowns because there are no marshmallows in it anymore. He reaches over for the cup of marshmallows, but it's empty._

Gonzalez: Stupid aliens! They stole all my mini-marshmallows! Again! That's the third time this week!

_Jack pops up from underneath the table with a mouth full of marshmallows._

Jack: How often, exactly, do aliens steal your stuff?

Gonzalez: Don't worry about it, all right? What are you doing here, anyway? Did you sneak into camp just to eat my marshmallows?

Jack: Nope. Actually I'm here to steal your chalices.

Gonzalez: You'll never be able to do that.

Jack: I already did.

_Gonzalez turns around and sees that the empty chalice is missing. While his back is turned, Jack picks up the one full of hot chocolate. When Gonzalez turns back around, Jack fligns the hot chocolage in his face and runs away. He catches up with Barbossa, who has the other chalice._

Barbossa: Okay, now what?

Jack: Just act nonchalant. They won't even notice we're here.

_Yeah, unfortunately, there's nothing nonchalant about a one-legged pirate, and another pirate strolling through a Spanish camp with the chalices of Ponce de Leon. They get attacked by some of Gonzalez's ninjas. But the ninjas are no match for Barbossa's toad guts._

_Jack and Barbossa sheathe their swords and feel way too overconfident, because suddenly they're surrounded by lots of ninjas who have swords and rifles and rocks to throw and, well, you get the picture, lots of weapons._

Jack: Where did you guys come from? Why didn't we see you?

Random Ninja Steve: We're ninjas. Duh.

Barbossa: What about those guys?

_He points to the two ninjas who he and Jack defeated._

Random Ninja Steve: Those were the decoys.

* * *

><p><strong>I guess this chapter was kinda short, but the scenes in here get kinda strange and choppy. Anyway, I hope you liked the guest appearance by the ninjas. :) Leave a review!<strong>


	22. Palm Tree Trebuchet of Awesomeness

**Palm Tree Trebuchet of Awesomeness**

_Philip is still lying in that random ditch. He wakes up and pulls a dart out of his chest._

Philip: I'm alive!

Random Beetle: Congrats. Shut up, I'm sleeping.

Philip: Sorry.

_He runs off to be heroic. He goes over to Syrena and starts untying her._

Syrena: Dude, you're alive.

Philip: You sound surprised.

Syrena: Well, yeah, I mean, it looked like the Quartermaster slit your throat, and since you're not really the action-hero type, I just assumed –

Philip: Would you cut that out? I'm saving your life here.

Syrena: Right, sorry. Though while we're on the topic, what are you doing that for, anyway?

Philip: Because it's not every day a guy meets a girl like you.

Syrena: Oh? And what kind of girl is that?

Philip: Besides a mermaid? Well, you're independent, capable of defending yourself so I don't have to, your gorgeousness is a perfect compliment to my sexiness, and –

_Syrena is smiling and starts to cry, when suddenly Blackbeard's crew appears out of the bushes. The Quartermaster captures Philip, others capture Syrena, and Scrum holds a vial to her face to catch the tear and then hands the vial to Angelica._

Angelica: See, Dad? I told you.

_No response._

Angelica: Dad?

Lenny: He's over here.

_He points. Blackbeard is asleep behind a bush. Angelica sighs in exasperation and nudges him with her foot. Blackbeard wakes up, startled._

Blackbeard: No! Don't eat me!

Angelica: What the heck? I'm not going to eat you.

Blackbeard: Huh?

_He looks around._

Blackbeard: Do you guys ever have those dreams where you're running away from something like, oh, say, hypothetically, a giant pair of man-eating binoculars?

_Pause._

Angelica: What?

Blackbeard: Oh. Because that's not what I was dreaming about. I just wondered.

Angelica: Whatever. We've got the mermaid tear.

Philip: Syrena, just so you know, this wasn't my idea.

Syrena: Oh, I know. It was clearly thought up by someone a little more action-hero-ish than you.

Philip: That doesn't help. Blackbeard, let her go.

Blackbeard: Why, so she can go tell all her mermaid friends about what a jerk I am? Nope, secure her bonds!

Syrena: Philip, stop helping so much.

_Randomly in the middle of the forest, Jack and Barbossa are duct taped to palm trees._

Jack: This sucks.

Barbossa: Why don't you just call on your fairy godmother? Maybe she could untie us.

Jack: Ha. Ha. Fortunately, my fairy godmother's name is "The Legendary Awesomeness Skills of Captain Jack Sparrow" and I'm currently working my hands free of these stupidly-tied ropes.

_Barbossa unscrews his peg leg._

Jack: Dude, sweet, a secret compartment! What've you got in there, a knife?

Barbossa: No, better.

Jack: Rum?

Barbossa: Nope, even better.

Jack: What could be better than –

_Barbossa holds up a Gameboy Color._

Jack: OMG. Is that –

Barbossa: Yep. Pokemon Red.

Jack: As awesome as that is, it's probably not healthy to take out your self-loathing on animated characters.

Barbossa: Whatever do you mean?

Jack: Why don't you just leave the enigmatic act to professionals like me. How did you really lose your leg?

Barbossa: I told you, in the fight –

Jack: Lies.

Barbossa: *sigh* Fine. I was walking along the beach one afternoon, wondering about what would happen if a hipster were the last person on earth. Wouldn't that make everything he does "mainstream?"

Jack: Uhh…

Barbossa: So then, I wondered, what if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, then would a hipster buy its album?

Jack: I really don't –

Barbossa: And what's up with hipsters anyway, I mean, isn't the hipster thing becoming a little mainstream? It seems like everyone wants to be a hipster, which would make mainstream the new hipster. Right?

Jack: For the love of – Get on with it!

Barbossa: Anyway. I wasn't paying attention, and I stubbed my toe on a crocodile. Then the crocodile got mad because I interrupted my nap, and he bit my leg off.

Jack: A crocodile bit your leg off?

Barbossa: Well, yeah, why do you think I wasn't able to defend the ship against Blackbeard?

Jack: *facepalm*

Barbossa: Hey, you just facepalmed! That means your hands are free!

Jack: Yeah, that's what that means.

_Jack starts using his ropes to climb up the trunk of the palm tree._

Barbossa: Wouldn't there be an easier way to do that?

Jack: Just play your Gameboy.

Barbossa: Fine.

_Jack reaches the top of the palm tree, ties the rope to a coconut, and lassos a palm tree. Then he reels it in like it's the most gigantic fish anyone's ever caught in the history of the world._

_One of the ninjas sees Jack doing this._

Random Ninja Steve: Whoever tied up that prisoner is getting sacked.

Random Ninja Howie: That was you, Steve.

_Random Ninja Steve hands over his ninja card._

_Jack lets go of the rope and is catapulted across the forest._

Jack: TREBUCHET!

_He lands safely on another tree._

Random Ninja Howie: Everybody, find him! And capture him again, for real this time! But don't shoot him, apparently he's more valuable when he isn't dead!

_Groves is hurrying through the forest. He ditches the wig because it's not really serving its purpose anymore. He reaches Barbossa and starts cutting away the ropes._

Groves: That was probably the best signal ever.

_Barbossa is only half-listening. He's fidgeting with the battery compartment on the Gameboy._

Barbossa: What was?

Groves: Catapulting Jack through the air. *pause* What are you doing?

Barbossa: Dang it!

Groves: What?

Barbossa: No batteries! I've been trying to get my Dragonite to evolve, but I don't have any batteries!

_Pause._

Groves: Dragonite doesn't evolve…

_Awkward pause._

_Jack drops coconuts on the ninjas to knock them out, then swings from the rope around in a circle like he did in Port Royal all those movies ago._

Jack: Thank you, Commodore Norrington, for teaching me that little trick!

Norrington: Finally, someone recognizes my awesomeness.

_Jack escapes the ninjas._

_Groves and Barbossa return to where the rest of their team is waiting. Gillette is petting the raccoon._

Groves: Get ready to move out! We're leaving within the – Gillette, what are you doing?

Gillette: He's really friendly, Theodore. You should pet him. I think he likes you.

Groves: That's a wild animal. It probably has rabies.

Gillette: We named him. His name is Edward Cullen.

Wetherly-Raynnes: No it isn't! We named him Peeta, remember?

Gillette: No, we almost did, but then we decided that Edward Cullen was better.

Groves: I'm not calling it by either of those names.

Gillette: Okay, fine. What do you want to name it?

Groves: I don't want to name it! I want you to send it back into the woods where it belongs.

_Gillette and Wetherly-Raynnes protest vehemently._

Gillette: Commodore, please, can I keep him?

Norrington: Honestly, Gillette, I'm past the point of caring what you do.

Gillette: Yay!

_Jack runs up._

Barbossa: Oh, there you are. Did you know Dragonite doesn't evolve?

Jack: Yes.

Barbossa: Oh.

Jack: Why, didn't you?

_Pause._

Barbossa: Okay, well, we lost the chalices, but –

Jack: You mean, these chalices?

_He holds them up._

Jack: You can thank me later.

Gibbs: Why don't we just thank you now?

Groves: Because everybody wasted a metric buttload of time fussing over that dumb raccoon.

Jack: Oh, cool, a raccoon! We've got a team mascot! What should we name it?

Groves: *facepalm* I don't want to be in this movie anymore.

Norrington: Be careful what you wish for.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay I suddenly realized this is the end of what I have pre-written, however I shall do my best to continue to update every Saturday! Leave a review! :)<strong>


	23. Kenyans

**Kenyans**

_Angelica comes through the forest, holding Jack's compass. Then Jack appears and points his sword at her._

Angelica: Nice sword.

Jack: Is that supposed to be an innuendo?

Angelica: If you want it to be.

Jack: That's what she said.

Blackbeard: Who? Said what?

Angelica: Huh?

Blackbeard: Sorry, I missed whatever it was she said, I was looking at Saturn.

Angelica: The joke was dumb anyway.

Scrum: Saturn? Where?

Jack: You can't even see Saturn right now. It's daytime.

Blackbeard: Sure you can, it's right there.

_He points._

Baggs: I think that's an airplane.

Scrum: How could it be an airplane if they haven't been invented yet?

Baggs: Well it's not Saturn. Saturn hasn't even been discovered yet.

_Awkward pause._

Angelica: Uh, actually, yes it has.

Blackbeard: Oh, gosh, sorry guys, that's just a coconut up there.

_Nobody sees a coconut either, but they let it go._

Blackbeard: So, Jack, have you got the chalices?

Jack: Yep, they're right…

_He checks his pockets and they're not there. He frantically checks his other pockets, and the secret pouches, and in his sock, but he can't find the chalices._

Jack: Oh, crap, I can't find the chalices. I swear they were right here just a minute ago!

_Gibbs steps out from behind some nearby trees._

Gibbs: Chilax, they're here. We gave them to him, remember?

_A guy steps out from behind the trees. He's holding the chalices and he looks confused._

Blackbeard: Who's that? He's not the one-legged man, is he?

Jack: No.

Blackbeard: How can you be sure?

Gibbs: Because he has two legs.

Blackbeard: Oh. So he does.

Jack: Anyway, Blackbeard, before I give you the chalices, I've got some demands.

Blackbeard: What makes you think you're in any position to make demands?

Jack: Because I've got the chalices. Duh. And, I've tied them to this Kenyan, so if you don't give me what I want, he'll run off with them and you'll never catch him.

The Guy: Uh, I'm not Kenyan.

Jack: What? You're not?

The Guy: No. Just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm from Kenya. Racist.

Gibbs: But you can run fast, right?

The Guy: Well, I played baseball in high school.

Gibbs: Close enough.

Jack: Okay, Blackbeard, first of all, I want… No, wait, that's second. First, I want Angelica –

Blackbeard: Take her.

Angelica: Dad!

Jack: – to not be harmed.

Blackbeard: Oh.

Jack: And I want my compass.

Blackbeard: Is that all?

Jack: Well I was going to ask for a helicopter and a private island, but helicopters haven't been invented yet, and islands are kind of a free-for-all anyway, so –

Gibbs: *cough* Jack…? *cough*

Jack: What, Gibbs? If you have bronchitis again, go away so I don't catch it.

Gibbs: No, Jack, I mean, weren't you going to ask Blackbeard something about me…?

Jack: Oh, right! Blackbeard, I was looking through an old yearbook, and is it true that you and Gibbs were in chess club together back in –

Gibbs: Not that.

Jack: What was it then?

Gibbs: I'm supposed to go free.

Blackbeard: If you give me the chalices, I don't really care what he does.

Jack: Sweetness!

_He takes the chalices from the guy._

Jack: Thanks, mate. You can go now.

The Guy: Go where? I live here.

Jack: Well, at least stand behind that tree so nobody can see you. You're distractingly tall.

The Guy: Yeah, me and my two legs.

_He vanishes behind a tree._

_Blackbeard starts leading the group away._

Gibbs: Hey, would you guys mind if I hung out with you for a while? You know, safety in numbers and all?

_Jack just gives him the compass._

Jack: Write some numbers on the compass, if you know what I mean. *wink, wink*

Gibbs: Oh, those numbers. Got it.

_Jack goes with Blackbeard. Gibbs takes out a random pencil and starts writing numbers on the back of the compass._

* * *

><p><strong>So sorry there wasn't an update last week. This chapter had been written and then my computer needed to be fixed and my changes went away! But here it is. Be prepared to get updates every 2 weeks for a while. Enjoy!<strong>


	24. Some Scenes are Deleted for Good Reason

**Some Scenes are Deleted for Good Reason**

_Barbossa and his little posse are trekking through the woods towards the fountain. They've been trekking for a while._

Gillette: Are we there yet?

Norrington: What does it look like?

Groves: It looks like that stupid raccoon is still following us.

Gillette: Theodore, you can hear him?

Groves: Well, I can see him. He's right there.

_He points to the raccoon. It makes its best adorable face up at him, but Groves just rolls his eyes._

Gillette: Commodore, did you hear that? Theodore can see you!

Norrington: Finally.

Groves: Gillette, I told you to quit talking to yourself, it's annoying.

Gillette: I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to the Commodore.

Groves: Oh, the raccoon's a commodore now?

Gillette: No, the Commodore's a commodore.

Groves: Which Commodore?

Gillette: Admiral Norrington, of course.

Norringon: That would make me an Admiral, you dingbat.

Gillette: Sorry, Commodore. What's a dingbat?

Groves: Here we go again. Would you give it a rest with the imaginary friend?

Gillette: What? But you see him too, don't you?

Groves: You're more delusional than I thought.

Gillette: But you just said you could see him! Right there!

_Gillette points to Norrington, or, for anyone who can't see Norrington, he's pointing at the raccoon._

Groves: I see that infernal raccoon.

Wetherly-Raynnes: Hey! Don't talk to Peeta like that!

_He kneels next to the raccoon and pets it._

Gillette: Stop calling it that. Everybody voted that it looks more like an Edward Cullen.

Norrington: Nobody voted for that.

Gillette: Fine, what would you name it?

Norrington: I wouldn't.

Governor Swann: I think he looks like a Wetherby, what do you think, James?

Norrington: I'm trying not to.

Gillette: Wetherby? Hmm, I guess we could name him Wetherby. What do you think, Theodore?

Groves: That's creepy, Gillette. Why can't you just let Norrington and the Governor rest in peace?

Gillette: But –

Groves: I'm settling this once and for all. The fuzzy rodent bandit is Severus. If anyone has any problems with that, he can take it up with the bullet I'll put in his face. Savvy?

_Nobody dares argue with that. Even the raccoon gives a thumbs-up. It didn't want to be named Edward Cullen._

Barbossa: Okay, now that we've established that Harry Potter is better than Twilight, which, by the way, should have been obvious, can we move on?

_They move on._

_Suddenly Norrington stops._

Norrington: Wait. What did he mean, rest in peace?

Governor Swann: Oh dear…

Norrington: And what do you mean, oh dear?

Governor Swann: *sigh* James, I think you'd better sit down. There's something I need to tell you.

Norrington: What?

Gillette: You're not sitting down.

Groves: Of course I'm not. I'm walking.

Gillette: Not you, the Commodore. The Governor told him to sit down because he's about to tell him that he's dead.

Barbossa: Too many pronouns, Lieutenant, and not enough antecedents.

Norrington: What? Who's dead?

Governor Swann: You are, Sir.

Norrington: Right, and I suppose Gillette's a poodle?

Governor Swann: *sigh* Think about it. What's the last thing you remember?

Norrington: Picturing Gillette as a poodle.

Governor Swann: You're being insufferable on purpose and it's working. I mean, what's the last thing you remember before this island?

_Norrington thinks hard._

Norrington: Nighttime. And Elizabeth was there, and there were a bunch of Asians… And this creepy old guy with barnacles on his face.

Governor Swann: And then…?

Norrington: And then Gillette invented aspirin.

Governor Swann: What?

Gillette: I did!

Groves: You did what?

Gillette: Invented aspirin.

Groves: Good, give me some.

Norrington: But then there's a blank spot in my memory… hmm… *gasp* Gillette, that wasn't aspirin, was it?

Governor Swann: *facepalm* No.

Norrington: It wasn't?

Governor Swann: No. I mean, yes. I mean, I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Gillette: Commodore, don't you remember being stabbed with that spear? You were stabbed right in half.

_Groves passes the aspirin around like it's a peace pipe._

Norrington: All right, everyone, the joke's on you now. April Fool's Day was like three months ago, so your prank's not going to work. Besides, if I were dead, how could I be standing here talking to you?

Governor Swann: You're a ghost, Sir. We both are.

Norrington: Sirs?

Governor Swann: Ghosts.

_Pause._

Gillette: This isn't like him, Governor. Usually when you say things they make sense to him and he doesn't ask questions that circumnavigate the topic.

_Pause._

Norrington: Wait. If I'm a ghost… Does that mean I can haunt people?

Governor Swann: What do you think we're doing now?

Norrington: You know who would be fun to haunt?

Governor Swann: *eyeroll* Who?

Norrington: Mercer.

Gillette: Can't. He's dead.

Barbossa: Gillette, I'm sure that whatever that papaya is saying is fascinating, but let's keep moving, shall we?

_They keep moving._

Norrington: I always thought death would be more interesting than this. And that there would be less of Gillette involved. *sigh* If I shoot myself, do you think I'd come back to life?

Governor Swann: You're dead, not dreaming. This isn't _Inception._

* * *

><p><strong>Here's another update. Sorry it's been a while, but I was out of town last weekend. And this isn't any particular deleted scene, I just wanted to put in more of these guys so I made up a scene and called it "deleted." Anyway. Leave a review. :)<strong>


	25. Directionally Challenged

**Directionally Challenged**

_Jack is trying to lead Blackbeard and crew to the Fountain. Unfortunately, he doesn't really know what he's looking for._

Jack: I swear, it's got to be around here somewhere.

Angelica: Maybe you should ask for directions.

Jack: From who? That tree?

Baggs: Or you could try looking a little harder. It's probably not going to be out in the open.

Jack: That's what I was doing, until you distracted me just now.

Baggs: No you weren't.

Scrum: Where haven't you looked yet? Have you looked under that leaf?

Jack: Yeah, the entrance to the Fountain of Youth is gonna be under a leaf.

_He sarcastically lifts a leaf and looks under it. Then he sees the entrance to the Fountain of Youth._

Jack: Oh. There it is.

Scrum: What did I tell you?

Jack: I'm telling you to shut up.

_A puddle jumps up and splashes Jack in the face._

Jack: Gravity is weird here.

_The pirates go into a cave._

Salaman: Guys, this cave is awesome. Can we go to the gift shop on the way back?

Blackbeard: There is no gift shop. This is a random cave in the mid-1700's, not Disneyland.

Salaman: Well, then I'll just grab this stalactite as a souvenier.

_Salaman breaks a stalactite off the ceiling of the cave. The cave starts to tip in the opposite direction because of the unbalanced weight, so the cave ceiling compensates by dropping a stalactite from the opposite side. Unfortunately, a random pirate (not Baggs, though) is standing right under the falling stalactite and gets skewered and dies._

Baggs: Nice going, Salaman.

Blackbeard: Told you we should have worn hard hats for spelunking.

Jack: We're not spelunking.

Quartermaster: Look on the bright side. With one less person to slow us down, we should be able to move faster now.

_They move on through the cave. When nobody's looking, Salaman goes back and snatches up the other stalactite._

Salaman: Sweet! Two souveniers!

_Soon the pirates come to a Dead End sign, and, directly beyond it, a dead end._

Jack: This sign speaks the truth.

Blackbeard: You mean Marcie really does love Tom?

Jack: Huh? Who's Marcie?

Scrum: Is she hot?

Baggs: Not as hot as your mermaid girlfriend, you big dunce.

Scrum: Where's your girlfriend? You don't have one, do you?

_Angelica goes over to see what on earth Blackbeard is talking about. He's reading the graffiti on the back of the sign, where "Marcie and Tom" is written in red Sharpie inside a big heart._

Angelica: Yeah, that's definitely still true. Because everyone knows, once you profess your love in graffiti, your relationship can't possibly fail.

Jack: I was actually talking about this side of the sign.

_He points, and Blackbeard sees the "Dead End" written on it. Then he sees that they have, in fact, come to a dead end in the cave._

Angelica: Jack, maybe you should have asked that grasshopper for directions.

Jack: Shut up, I know what I'm doing.

_He snatches the chalices from Blackbeard and stands in front of the group._

Jack: Stand back!

_Nobody moves._

Jack: Or don't. You signed the waiver, so I'm not liable.

_He dramatically clangs the chalices together. And, dramatically, nothing happens._

Angelica: Jack, have you ever actually seen the Fountain?

Jack: Of course I have!

Angelica: Sorry, let me rephrase that. Have you ever been to the actual Fountain with your physical body in real life?

_Pause._

Jack: What was the second stipulation again? There were a lot of modifiers in there and grammar never really was my strongest subject.

Blackbeard: Quartermaster, you know what to do.

_The Quartermaster takes out a pistol and shoots it at Jack. Jack shields himself with the bulletproof chalices. The bullet ricochets off and destroys one of Salaman's stalactites. Salaman pouts._

Angelica: Wait, what's that on the bottom of the chalices?

Blackbeard: Jack, if you got grape jelly on my chalices, so help me…

Jack: I don't even like grape jelly.

_Angelica snatches a chalice._

Angelica: These are instructions. It says, "To enter the Fountain, stand behind the Dead End sign and say the words, 'Aqua de Vida.'"

Jack: Oh. Maybe I should try that.

Angelica: *exasperated sigh* What is it with men and not reading directions?

_Jack takes the chalices, sticks his tongue out at Angelica, and then reads the password off the bottom of the chalices._

Jack: Ah-kwa duh veeda.

Angelica: Your Spanish sucks.

_Fortunately the Fountain isn't a linguistic elitist, and is able to understand the magic words even through Jack's garbled attempt at Spanish. Puddles start leaping off the ground and attaching themselves to the ceiling. An arrow appears on the wall, pointing up, next to the word, "This way to the Fountain."_

Jack: If I'd known this was so simple, I'd have come ages ago.

Blackbeard: I thought you did come ages ago.

Angelica: I thought we already established that he didn't.

Blackbeard: Oh. If we did, I missed it. Must've been while I was polishing my mini handheld mirror.

_Nobody even asks. Jack pokes at the ceiling puddle and gets sucked up through it._

_Pause of awe._

Scrum: Who's next?

* * *

><p><strong>Here's another update! We're nearing the close, guys. I'll do my best to have another chapter up for you within the next two weeks! Reviews are most appreciated. :)<strong>


	26. The Bubbly

**The Bubbly**

_Jack floats up through the puddle into a dimly-lit, ethereal, foggy place. There's random rocks, and a stone archway. Under the archway is a drinking fountain. Behind Jack, Blackbeard and the rest of his crew pop up through the puddle. Jack goes to inspect the fountain._

Jack: That's it? A drinking fountain? We had one of these in my middle school, I was hoping for something epic.

Blackbeard: Not so fast. I get to go first.

Jack: No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

_Blackbeard takes out a pistol and points it at Jack. Jack pouts._

Jack: Bully. I suppose you're taking my Twinkie at lunch, too.

_Behind them, Barbossa and company pop up through the puddle._

Angelica: Oh, crap, we've got company.

Blackbeard: Company? Dang. It's not your Aunt Myrtle again, is it? She always tries to tell me how I should dress. Last time, she told me that black wasn't my color. What does that even mean, anyway? I mean, newsflash, but my name is Blackbeard, so –

Angelica: I don't have an Aunt Myrtle.

Random Pirate Baggs: And that guy doesn't have a leg.

_He points to Barbossa. Blackbeard screams like a little girl and hides behind Jack._

Angelica: Jack, is there anything you'd like to tell us?

_Pause._

Jack: Uhh… Well, in the third grade I cheated on a math test…

Angelica: You brought the one-legged man here, didn't you?

Jack: Nope. Looks to me like Groves and Gillette did that.

_Barbossa appears dramatically through the fog. Groves and Gillette flank him on either side, with Severus the raccoon at Groves's heel. The rest of the crew is behind them._

Barbossa: Edward Teach!

Gillette: His name is Edward? Good thing we didn't name the raccoon that after all.

Groves: What did I tell you?

Barbossa: In the name of the King, you are my prisoner! Why, you ask?

Blackbeard: I didn't ask that. Did I?

Barbossa: For being a pirate, for being evil, and for having an ugly beard. En garde!

_Barbossa draws his sword. Then Blackbeard draws his own sword._

Blackbeard: Mine's bigger!

Barbossa: Yeah, but I actually know how to use mine.

Blackbeard: ATTACK!

_Blackbeard's crew starts to attack Barbossa's crew, and vice versa. Jack randomly leaps into the middle of the chaos._

Jack: Hey, everyone hold on a moment. Don't you think this is all a little silly?

Groves: Thank you! Finally someone else has come to their senses.

Gillette: I don't think anything is silly. I think the situation has taken a rather dire turn.

Groves: You don't even know what "dire" means.

Gillette: Yes I do. It means we are the Navy and we are British and therefore we are going to fight the pirates because they are too piratey.

_Cricket, cricket._

Norrington: Where did I go wrong…?

_Governor Swann pats Norrington on the shoulder._

Jack: Norrington, mate, what are you doing here? Aren't you dead?

Gillette: You can see him?

Jack: Yeah, he's standing right there.

Groves: I swear, when this is over, I'm going to Tortuga, and I'm going to get very, very drunk.

Norrington: I'd advise against it.

Governor Swann: He can't hear you, James.

Jack: Ahem, making a speech here! Anyway, I think there's no reason for all of us to get involved just because a crocodile ate Barbossa's leg and Blackbeard stole his ship. Why don't we all sit back, have a drink or two, or more if the Lieutenant prefers, place some bets, and just watch this play itself out.

Scrum: Who's on Team Barbossa?

Blackbeard: Not me! ATTACK!

_All the pirates attack all the Navy guys._

Jack: Well it was worth a try.

Norrington: No reason why we can't sit back and enjoy this.

Governor Swann: True.

_They sit down with a bowl of popcorn to watch. Where they got popcorn is beyond me, because one, they're dead, and two, I'm pretty sure there was no such thing as microwaves back in the pre-Revolution era._

_Mass chaos ensues. Gillette is fighting with a pirate._

Norrington: Gillette still sucks at swordfighting.

Governor Swann: Yes he does. Oh, look, he's about to get stabbed.

_Insert mini-time-stop here, because I just decided that ghosts can do that._

Norrington: Wait. If Gillette gets stabbed, that means he'll die…

Governor Swann: Yes, likely. Unless he gets stabbed in the toe.

Norrington: He's not going to get stabbed in the toe.

Governor Swann: No, probably not.

Norrington: Which means he'll die. Which means, he'll be dead, like us.

Governor Swann: Well, yeah.

Norrington: No. That cannot happen.

_He leaps up from his seat, ending the time-stop. Norrington throws himself between Gillette and the sword, which, somehow, manages to save Gillette's life._

_Severus the raccoon leaps on to Barbossa's face._

Barbossa: Get it off me!

_Gillette realizes that Norrington has just saved his life, and practically kneels at the former Commodore/pirate/Admiral's feet and basically grovels._

Norrington: Crap. I didn't consider this possibility.

_Philip decides it's time to be heroic, so he saws the ropes off his wrists, grabs a sword, and is immediately stabbed in the side._

Philip: Fantastic. That would happen to me.

_He drops the sword and staggers away._

_Angelica is fighting some Navy sailors._

Angelica: Hey, Scrum, the Chalices!

Scrum: What about them?

Angelica: Bring them here, you dolt!

_Scrum picks up a chalice and brings it to Angelica, then goes back for the other one._

Scrum: Would you like fries with that?

_He goes to get the vial holding the tear, but as he brings it back to Angelica, he trips over Severus the raccoon. When he gets up, he finds himself facing the pointy end of Jack's sword._

Jack: That's right, Scrum. Hand it over.

Scrum: What if I say "no?"

Jack: What if I chop your ears off and glue them to your eyelids?

Scrum: What if I steal your sword and hold it in water until it rusts?

Jack: What if my sword is made of stainless steel so you it won't rust ever, not in a million years?

Scrum: What if I turn back time and give you a sword made out of… of… the kind of metal that isn't stainless steel?

Jack: Can't. Norrington took the time turner when he jumped off the deep end and lost it.

Scrum: Fine! You win!

_Everyone freezes._

Jack: Dude! I cured him!

Scrum: Cured me of what?

Jack: *sigh* Never mind.

_Suddenly he notices that Angelica is pointing her sword at his throat. And Scrum suddenly grows a pair and points his own sword at Jack._

Jack: Wait, what? No, seriously, just give me the chalices.

Angelica: I need years, Jack, and right now, I'm kinda thinking yours might be just good enough.

_Jack throws the tear at Angelica's face. While she and Scrum are distracted, Severus the raccoon steals their swords and gives them to Jack._

Jack: Whose side are you on?

Severus the Raccoon: *shrug* At the moment?

_While Jack is talking to the raccoon, Scrum tries to steal his sword back, then Severus sets off a smoke grenade, and when the smoke clears, Jack has the tear and the chalices are rolling down the rocks._

_Meanwhile, Philip has somehow found his way back to where Syrena is tied up. She doesn't seem particularly lively._

Philip: Syrena, wake up!

_He rubs her face vigorously but she doesn't respond._

Philip: Oh, come on, I think I've used up my bad luck quota for the rest of forever!

_Suddenly, Gillette appears out of the forest vines._

Philip: Who are you? And what are you doing here?

Gillette: I am the humble Major-Lieutenant-General Philip James Gillette. I am on a mission from the eternally illustrious Admiral Commodore Norrington.

Philip: Uh… are those real titles?

Gillette: More real than Lieutenant-Commander, that's for sure.

Philip: Right, and, uh, what mission, exactly, are you on?

Gillette: I have been sent to find and retrieve an orange-and-purple spotted velociraptor, which I had formerly thought had gone extinct at least 25 years ago, though, naturally, the Commodore in his illustriousness must have other information of which I was not aware, and bring the creature to –

Philip: Oh, for goodness' sake, this hurts worse than the stab wound.

Gillette: What stab wound?

Philip: The gaping one in my abdomen.

_He points to the blood oozing from his wound._

Gillette: Oh, my… That's a lot of blood…

_Gillette faints._

Philip: Pride of the King's Navy you are.

_Syrena wakes up. She looks at Philip for a moment, then disappears down into the pool and swims away._

Philip: Cool. I guess I'll just lie here, by myself, next to the unconscious guy and bleed to death.

_Back at the fountain, Barbossa and Blackbeard are still duking it out. Barbossa hits Blackbeard in the face with his crutch, then Blackbeard breaks the crutch in half._

Barbossa: Now you've done it.

Blackbeard: You suck at being fate.

Barbossa: Hey, look at that!

_He points._

Blackbeard: I'm not falling for that. Oh, who am I kidding, yes I am.

_He looks. Gonzalez is leading pretty much all of Spain into the fountain room._

_Groves pulls the British flag out of his pocket, then climbs up to the most unguarded and most noticeable place in the entire room. He unfolds the flag in front of him._

Groves: We were here first, I've got the flag, we win. Shoo.

Gonzalez: Right.

_He pulls out his pistol and shoots Groves. Fortunately, for some reason the flag is made out of Kevlar, so he doesn't die. He does, however, fall off of Pride Rock and sprain his ankle. Groves pouts._

Groves: Fine, take the fountain, see if I care. I am so done with this crap.

_Gonzalez takes out a rocket launcher and tries to shoot Groves again, but he misses this time and the rocket destroys the stone arch thing over the fountain._

Groves: Your aim sucks.

_He takes some aspirin because now his ankle hurts in addition to his head._

Groves: I have never needed a drink so bad in my life.

Norrington: That's the spirit.

Gonzalez: Aw, crap, the fountain's broken. Well, nothing to do here. Let's get out of here while we still have our dignity and our cool hats.

_The Spanish leave._

* * *

><p><em><em>**Huzzah for timely updates! This got a little out of control, I must admit, but I hope you enjoyed it!**


	27. Accidentally on Purpose

**Accidentally On Purpose**

_The Spanish are gone, and all the pirates sorta stand around for a moment surveying the rubble and watching the dust settle. Then Barbossa stabs Blackbeard in the toe._

Governor Swann: Look, there! Stabbed in the toe! I told you it could happen.

Norrington: Congrats.

Blackbeard: Are you for real? You could've killed me, and that was the decision you made?

Barbossa: Who says I didn't kill you?

Baggs: Everyone.

_Blackbeard hops up and down on one foot because his stabbed toe hurts, then loses his balance and falls over. He lands on a random sharp stalagmite which stabs him through the middle._

Blackbeard: Okay, now I'm screwed.

Barbossa: Well, whatever works.

_Jack gives Barbossa a thumbs up._

Angelica: Stupid one-legged man!

Barbossa: The one-legged part isn't my fault. You'll have to talk to the crocodile about that.

Baggs: And the stupid part?

Barbossa: That's just a blatant lie.

_Angelica tries to kick Barbossa's wooden leg out from under him, but in the ominous lighting his sword kinda looks like his leg, so instead of kicking Barbossa over she just cuts her foot on his poison sword._

Angelica: Ouch! Why does my leg feel all tingly?

Random Pirate Baggs: You could have RLS. You should really talk to your doctor to see if he can prescribe –

Norrington: What is this, an infomercial?

Jack: It's poisoned, you impulsive dingbat.

_Angelica falls over._

Barbossa: I saw this going differently in my head, but I guess the end result's still the same.

Baggs: How did your version go?

Barbossa: Oh, I don't know specifically, but I had a whole speech and a list of witty remarks written out, and I was sorta hoping I'd get to strike a Captain Morgan pose somewhere in there.

Baggs: You could still do the pose.

Barbossa: Nah, the moment's gone.

_He picks up Blackbeard's sword._

Barbossa: Nice sword. I'll be taking your ship too, if you don't mind.

Scrum: Does the change of management mean layoffs?

Barbossa: Not if you get your rear in gear and follow me.

_Barbossa leads the crew of the Queen Anne's Revenge out. He pauses when he finds Groves sitting on a nearby rock and pouting._

Barbossa: What say you, Lieutenant-Commander Groves? Are you with me?

Groves: I've spent the entire movie trying to get away from you.

Barbossa: I thought you were trying to get away from Gillette…

Groves: You're creating a false dichotomy.

Barbossa: Whatever. I'm leaving.

_He does so accordingly._

_Jack is frantically searching around for the chalices. He looks under the rocks, behind some leaves, and even digs up a mushroom to see if the chalices accidentally got buried underneath it. (They didn't.) Syrena pops up in the water holding the chalices and tries to get his attention._

Syrena: Looking for these?

Jack: Don't distract me, I'm looking for the chalices!

Syrena: Yep. I've got them right here.

Jack: Why are you still talking? I'm busy!

Syrena: *sigh*

_Severus the Raccoon comes over to Syrena, takes the chalices, and brings them to Jack. Syrena rolls her eyes and disappears in the water. Jack takes the chalices, hugs the raccoon, and then runs to the fountain to get the last few drops of magical fountain water before it runs dry. Then he puts the mermaid tear in one of them._

_Severus the Raccoon comes over to Groves, and Groves gives in and pets him. Maybe he's just having a moment of weakness after an exceptionally bad day, or maybe he's finally admitting that raccoons aren't so bad after all._

Governor Swann: Oh, look, James! Here we go!

Norrington: He's got the tear in his right hand.

Governor Swann: Why does that matter?

Norrington: Because that's the chalice that will give life. The only chalice. And there are two people.

Governor Swann: But why does it matter which chalice it is?

Norrington: I give up. Just pay attention.

_Jack offers Angelica the left chalice._

Jack: Here, drink this.

Angelica: What is it?

Jack: Does it matter? You're about to die anyway.

Blackbeard: Wait. One of these has the tear in it, doesn't it?

Jack: Yup.

Blackbeard: And it's up to me to figure out which one?

Jack: Yup.

Governor Swann: Oh, now I get it…

Blackbeard: Fine. Well let's see. You're in love with Angelica, so it makes sense that you'd want to save her life. Therefore, I can clearly not choose the chalice in front of me.

Jack: Okay…

Blackbeard: But that's too obvious. You're not an idiot, and I'm not an idiot, so you'd know I'd know that. So I can clearly not choose the chalice in front of her.

Jack: Right, so that's your final answer?

Blackbeard: Not even close. You're a pirate, and I'm a pirate, so it's our way of life to trick and outsmart our enemies. You've clearly seen this coming, and that's why I can't choose the chalice in front of me.

Governor Swann: Oh, a debate! I love debates!

Norrington: You and everyone else on the internet.

_He knows what the internet is because he's a ghost. That's how it works. He also has an iPhone. And a Zune._

Jack: Blackbeard, you're just wasting time now.

Blackbeard: Okay, okay, fine. How about we just – Is that a raccoon!?

_Everyone turns to look. While they're not looking, Blackbeard switches the chalices._

Jack: Yes, that's Severus. He's been there the whole time.

Blackbeard: Oh. I just noticed him.

_No one finds this too hard to believe._

Blackbeard: Who's thirsty?

_He takes his chalice and drinks from it, and Angelica drinks from hers._

Jack: So long, sucker.

Blackbeard: Not so fast. I switched them while you were looking at the raccoon.

Jack: Duh. Everyone knows that. As if it isn't the oldest trick in the book.

Blackbeard: What book?

_But he dies before Jack can explain about the "Book of Tricks Only Blackbeard Would Be Dumb Enough to Fall For."_

Governor Swann: Look at that, James! You were right about the tear!

Norrington: I'm rarely wrong.

Governor Swann: Just keep telling yourself that.

Jack: Well, sweet! I can live with this conclusion!

Angelica: I hate you so much right now.

Jack: I saved your life, you lunatic.

Angelica: The whole point of anything I've done in this entire movie was to save my father, and you just killed him.

Jack: Are you familiar with the phrase, "for the greater good?"

_Angelica tries to throw a rock at Jack, but she misses and hits Groves instead._

Groves: Ow.

_He pouts._

_Jack and Angelica start to leave, but pause when they notice Groves._

Jack: You're still here?

Groves: Apparently.

Jack: You look unhappy.

Groves: Well, after jumping overboard to escape the explosion that killed Lord Beckett, I had to swim back to England. I got promoted, but no one will call me by my new title and everyone thinks it's a joke, and then I had to work with Gillette and take orders from Barbossa. And then our ship and crew were eaten by mermaids, we had to trek through the entire jungle and rescue your sorry butt. I was shot and almost killed, I hurt my ankle, Angelica hit me with a rock, and my only friend is a raccoon!

_Pause._

Jack: You're whiny today.

Groves: And it's been a week since I had any coffee.

Norrington: You want my advice? Tortuga. That's where it's at.

Jack: Good advice.

Groves: What is?

Jack: What Norrington just said.

Groves: *sigh* Not this again.

Jack: Don't you want to hear his advice?

Groves: *sarcastic voice* There's nothing I want more.

Jack: Well, his advice is simply, Tortuga.

Groves: *epiphany face* James? You really are here!

_Groves gets 25 points for finally figuring out that Norrington really is there._

_Meanwhile, outside, Philip is bored. And bleeding to death. Gillette is still unconscious next to the little pond thing. Out of boredom, Philip splashes him. Gillette wakes up._

Gillette: Hurricane!

_Then he looks around and realizes there is no hurricane, he's only been splashed. He sees Philip._

Gillette: Hey, I've seen you before. But I don't think we've been properly introduced.

Philip: Okay. Hi, I'm Philip.

Gillette: No way! Me too!

Philip: Fancy that.

Gillette: Are you a lieutenant too?

Philip: Do I look like a lieutenant?

Gillette: No, but you could be in disguise. You know, undercover.

Philip: I think you've got the military confused with the CIA.

Gillette: Oh! Speaking of the CIA, I need to find a yellow spotted velociraptor!

Philip: What does that have to do with the CIA?

Gillette: Isn't that what CIA stands for? Yellow spotted velociraptor?

Philip: How would that even make sense? That's not the same letters at all.

Gillette: Well the CIA wouldn't be much of a spy agency if it used the actual letters from the words. That would be way too obvious.

Philip: Right, well, I think I saw one of your velociraptors over there earlier. Way over there. Like, five miles away from here.

Gillette: Thanks so much, new best friend!

_He hops up and runs off to search for yellow spotted velociraptors._

_Philip finds boredom preferable to having a conversation with Gillette. He starts washing his stab wound with water from the pond thing. Syrena appears suddenly._

Syrena: You're washing an open wound with pond water? Are you trying to give yourself an infection?

Philip: What? I, uh, no… You have a better idea?

Syrena: Yes. Come with me.

Philip: Where are we going?

Syrena: Underwater, obviously. Where did you think, the moon?

Philip: I can't breathe underwater.

Syrena: And I can't walk on land. So clearly we're at an impasse unless one of us is willing to make a sacrifice. And, since I'm a lady, and a magical creature who can not only heal you but protect you from drowning, I think you can come underwater with me.

Philip: Well, when you put it that way…

Syrena: Just kiss me, you're wasting time.

_Smooch. Syrena pulls Philip into the pond._

Philip: Aren't I still getting pond water in the open wound…?

Syrena: A minute ago you were mortal, so unless the next words out of your mouth are, "thank you," I suggest you shut it.

_They both disappear into the dark, ominous realm of predictable fanfiction._

* * *

><p><strong>Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait. The beginning of the school year is always hectic. And yes, I know today isn't Saturday. Just leave a review. ;)<strong>


	28. Loose Ends and Whatnot

**Loose Ends and Whatnot**

_Jack and Angelica are in a dinghy. Jack is lounging in the back of the boat with some rum while he makes Angelica do all the rowing._

Jack: Don't you just love feminism?

Angelica: Chauvinist.

Jack: Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you do the rowing. We're square.

Angelica: No, you're the square for killing my father.

Jack: Life is complicated like that.

_The boat hits some sand._

Jack: Oh! We're here!

_Angelica looks around. They've arrived at a deserted island. Deserted, except for three palm trees, an flowering fern, and a pineapple bush._

Angelica: This isn't Singapore.

_While she's looking at the island, Jack pushes her out of the boat and she falls on her face in the sand. He follows her and gives her a pistol._

Angelica: Oh, how nice. So I can shoot myself before I starve.

Jack: Why are you so pessimistic all of the sudden? You could use the gun to hunt those pineapples. You're not going to starve. Don't be a diva. And besides, ships pass by here like every other day. Just light up one of those palm trees and get yourself rescued.

Angelica: I don't like pineapple. It tastes weird.

Jack: Fine. Shoot yourself. See if I care.

Angelica: You'd care.

Jack: And what makes you say that?

Angelica: You still love me, Jack.

Jack: If you had a sister, and your sister had a kid, and her kid had a dog and the dog had a kid and the dog's kid had a pet… I'd choose Scrum.

_Jack starts to walk away. She hops up and chases him._

Angelica: Wait, Jack, I think I know this week's lottery numbers! You could be rich!

Jack: Angelica, if I wanted to win the lottery, I'd just rig the numbers like a normal person.

Angelica: Fine. Leave me here. I'll just raise our child by myself.

Jack: I didn't get nearly enough action for that.

Angelica: You were drunk! Jack, you're going to be a father! Don't you want to know what that's like?

Jack: I'll leave that up to the fanfiction writers.

_He starts to leave, and she chases him again._

Angelica: Fine, you're not a father.

_She starts to unbutton her shirt._

Angelica: …but you could be.

Jack: Whoa. I'm on a schedule here, dearie. Haven't got time for delays and such.

Angelica: From the moment I met you I've been wanting to tell you… I love you.

Jack: What a coincidence, me too!

Angelica: Wait, you mean, you love me, or you mean you also love you?

Jack: Grammatical ambiguity at its finest, huh?

_Jack climbs into the boat and starts to paddle away. Angelica shoots the pistol at him but she hits a fish instead. The fish dies. Angelica shouts random stuff in Spanish, then plops down in the sand and pouts._

_There's a rustling in the fern behind her, and when Angelica turns to look, two cats emerge from behind it, followed by six fluffy kittens. Angelica is confused, because she wasn't expecting to find cats on the island. She talks to the cat in the lead, because experience has taught her that once in a while furry creatures will respond._

Angelica: Who the heck are you?

_She isn't disappointed._

Cat: I'm Aunt Kyle, King of this island, and this is my lovely Queen Annabelle Lucinda Whitetail. I'd also like to present our six children: Brufus, Joe, Bavis, Reginald, Adelaide, and Theodore.

_Yes, Aunt Kyle named his son after Groves._

Angelica: Why is your name Aunt Kyle?

Aunt Kyle: That's not really something I talk about.

Angelica: Fair enough…

Aunt Kyle: I don't suppose you have any scones, do you…?

_Meanwhile, on the Queen Anne's Revenge…_

_Barbossa is strutting around the ship with Blackbeard's sword._

Barbossa: Yes! Sweet victory!

_As he makes this dramatic declaration, he thrusts the sword triumphantly into the air and accidentally skewers a seagull. The seagull is now stuck on his sword like a gull-kabob, and Barbossa tries to shake the dead bird off. It's stuck. He ends up scraping it off on the side of the ship, which chops a dent into the railing, and the seagull falls into the ocean and sinks, where it gets eaten by a barracuda._

Barbossa: Nobody saw that.

Cabin Boy Lenny: Saw what?

Barbossa: Exactly.

Lenny: Anyway, I found this hat belowdecks. It says "Barbossa's hat" on it, so I figured it was yours.

Barbossa: Heck yes it's mine.

_He steals the hat and puts it on._

Lenny: Um, I also found this…

_He hands Barbossa a pair of pink boxer shorts with little pictures of bananas on them._

Lenny: It was with the hat. It also says "Barbossa" on it.

Barbossa: Uh… Must be a different Barbossa.

_He takes the boxers and throws them overboard. The barracuda eats them, and then pouts because they taste weird._

Barbossa: Now that we've got the whole lost-and-found cleared out, I'd say it's time we go on a little voyage.

Lenny: Well, actually, there's still someone's Walkman down there, and Season 3 of The A-Team…

_Barbossa takes out the sword again, and Lenny quickly backs away to give Barbossa plenty of space. Barbossa waves the sword over his head._

Barbossa: Onward to Tortuga! It's awesome time!

_Unfortunately he hasn't quite got the knack of steering via sword, so the ship lurches suddenly and then stops. Some sails fall down, and a piece of the rigging lands on Lenny's head and knocks him unconscious._

Random Pirate Baggs: Use the clutch!

_Barbossa tries again, and this time the ship manages to start moving._

Barbossa: Sweet, we've got movement. Gosh, why is my hat suddenly so itchy?

_He takes it off and finds his privateer papers stuffed inside the hat._

Barbossa: How and why are those even in there? Oh well, so much for that nonsense.

_He rips the paper in half and tosses one half over the starboard side of the ship, and the other half over the port side. The barracuda eats one of the pieces. The other piece just floats on the water and then the ship runs over it._

Barbossa: Okay, now, onward to Tortuga!

_All the pirates cheer because Tortuga is like the Disneyland of the pirate world. Scrum takes out his mandola and starts playing Jingle Bells._

Barbossa: Scrum, you're a moron, it's not Christmas time.

Scrum: What does that have to do with anything?

Barbossa: You're playing a Christmas song.

Scrum: Jingle Bells is a Christmas song?

Barbossa: Yes. Play something seasonally relevant, like the Monty Python Spam Song.

_Right. Well, while they're figuring that out, Jack has paddled his little dinghy to a random deserted beach. Gibbs is there, trying to put up a hammock between two pieces of driftwood he's stuck into the sand like poles. But it's not working very well._

Jack: Gibbs, there's no way that thing is ever going to hold your gigantic weight.

Gibbs: I'm not gigantic… I lost five pounds last week trekking through the jungle.

Jack: Well, gigantic minus five still equals gigantic. Didn't you ever learn math?

Gibbs: Yeah, but there were numbers in it back then.

Jack: Get with the times, you old fart. What about the numbers I gave you?

Gibbs: You mean the combination to the lock on Blackbeard's safe? Those numbers were particularly helpful.

Jack: Awesome. What about the guards?

Gibbs: My owl calls finally came in handy.

Jack: Uh… right…

Gibbs: Anyway, look what I found.

_He takes out a giant bag of bottles and opens it. Jack looks through the bag._

Jack: These are just recyleables…

Gibbs: No, those are the decoys. Look underneath.

_Underneath the decoy bottles are all the bottles of ships._

Jack: Dude, rock on! We've got a fleet! I'm going to be a commodore! Commodore Jack Sparrow…

Gibbs: It doesn't exactly have the same ring to it…

Jack: You're a ring. Which one of these is the _Pearl?_

_Gibbs hands him the bottle containing the Black Pearl. Jack peeks at it and the monkey screeches at him. Jack shakes the bottle so the monkey gets splashed by a wave._

Gibbs: Any idea how to get her out of there? And make her bigger?

Jack: I did my research. It's a simple enough procedure. But we're going to need an ounce of coffee grounds, some cyanide, a penlight, a baby giraffe, and then one of us has to ride a unicycle up a palm tree while the other plays the theme from _Jaws_ on the quitar, and… Where did that raccoon go? We need him too.

Gibbs: Well, I know someone who's pet giraffe is pregnant.

Jack: Great! And I know where we can find some enormous pinecones.

Gibbs: Pinecones weren't part of the procedure a moment ago…

Jack: What does that have to do with anything? Pinecones are awesome. And these are the biggest pinecones you've ever seen. Also, they float.

Gibbs: Whatever.

_Later they're walking along the beach. Gibbs is carrying the bag of bottles over his shoulder like Santa Claus._

Gibbs: Okay, so you had the chalices… and the tear… and you could have lived forever, but you didn't?

Jack: Yes, yes, and yes. And yes. Or no. That is, yes, you're correct that no, I didn't.

Gibbs: And why not?

Jack: Well, honestly, I looked at that muddy pond water with some random mermaid's tear in it, and I was like, there is no way this is sanitary. I wasn't going to drink that stuff. I'd probably have given myself hepatitis.

Gibbs: Right…

Jack: And besides. Who says I won't live forever anyway? I'm practically a legend already, so I'll at least live on in a metaphorical sense. And most of the fanfiction writers think Angelica's carrying my child, so there's also the whole living on through my piratey offspring deal too.

Gibbs: Your mind must be a really weird place.

Jack: You don't know the half of it.

_They just keep walking as dramatic end theme music plays and the sun sets behind the ocean._

Jack: Gross, I just stepped in seaweed.

_The End._

* * *

><p><em><em>**Hey, sorry the updates got a little haphazard there at the end, but here we are at the end! Thanks so much for reading. I had a great time writing this. Stay tuned for my future projects! (I've got a few ideas...)**

**Also, bonus features are coming soon!**


End file.
